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How to Deal With a Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes

Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. 

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

Signs of a Wandering Eye

Differing viewpoints.

• Impact of Social Media
• Have You Crossed a Line?

How to Respond

When a person has a 'wandering eye,' it means looking and having sexual thoughts about people other than their current romantic partner. It may include behaviors such as overtly evaluating and appreciating someone's physical attractiveness or even outright flirting with people who are not their romantic partners.

When the issue of a partner's eyes wandering is discussed, there seem to be two general responses: Either the behavior is brushed off as nothing to be concerned about or feelings of hurt and disrespect ensue, which may harm the relationship .

Some even believe checking out people other than a committed partner is a sure sign of infidelity, or at least a form of micro-cheating . The true answer to whether or not this is OK lies with you, your needs, and your personal boundaries .

It is important to recognize that each person has differing definitions depending on their beliefs and boundaries. Some examples of behaviors that characterize a wandering eye include:

• Blatantly checking out another person
• Flirting with other people
• Having sexual fantasies about others
• Talking about sexual fantasies about other people
• Telling other people they are attractive
• Planning romantic or sexual encounters with people other than their partner
• Texting or DMing people other than their partner

The behaviors that characterize a wandering eye involve how a person thinks about or communicates with people other than their partner. If these thoughts or actions lead to romantic or sexual encounters, it would be defined as cheating .

According to  Gail Saltz, M.D ., a psychiatrist and expert on relationship matters, blatantly checking out, commenting on, repeatedly admiring, and flirting or touching someone else usually feels quite undermining to a partner.

For partners that are bothered by the behavior, having wandering eyes is often described as:

• A sign of disrespect
• Damaging to a relationship
• Insensitive behavior that shows a lack of caring
• One of the first signs of cheating and that a person is looking for another relationship

Dr. Saltz acknowledges that all humans have some measure of voyeurism and exhibitionism: we like to look and we like to show.

But unless both parties are confident of the others' affection and fidelity, an obvious and frequent wandering eye will generally stir up envy and hurt, making one feel unappreciated and even threatened in the relationship.

On the other hand, some people believe that having a wandering eye is perfectly normal behavior. People in this camp often don't worry about a quick glance, and some may not even be bothered by something more.

Those who feel this way often cite the following points:

• Looking at an attractive person is thought to be a natural physiological reaction.
• A person with wandering eyes just appreciates beauty.

Again, it's important to remember that you define what is normal and acceptable for yourself and your relationship. That said, a study published in the  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that a consistent wandering eye probably signals a more significant issue in a relationship, which is worth considering.

Some evidence suggests that people prone to having a wandering eye are also more likely to engage in infidelity. One study found that people who found attractive people more attention-grabbing were more likely to eventually cheat on their partners.

Impact of Social Media and Technology

People don't just engage in 'wandering' behaviors in real-world encounters. They can also make their way into online interactions. In such settings, 'wandering' might involve:

• Flirting with another person, either in the comments section on their social media post or via direct message
• "Liking" another person's photos to communicate interest
• Flirtatious, romantic, or sexual texting with people who are not the person's partner
• Intentionally joining social sites in order to engage in flirtatious communication with others

Such behaviors can affect trust, communication, and intimacy in a relationship. According to one survey, around a quarter of people in relationships feel that technology has had a negative impact on their relationships.

Have You or Your Partner Crossed the Line

It isn't always easy to determine if you or your partner have crossed a boundary in your relationship. This is because it is normal to think that other people are attractive and doing so doesn't necessarily mean that you've broken trust with your partner.

In order to recognize whether you or your partner have a wandering eye, consider the following:

• How would your partner feel if they knew about your behaviors?
• How would it make you feel if your partner was doing the same thing?
• Have you ever discussed boundaries with your partner?
• Does your current behavior violate your partner's trust?
• Are you hiding your behavior from your partner?

If you feel like your partner would be hurt or upset and need to hide your actions from them, it is a good sign that your actions are crossing the line. 

If you are bothered by your partner's eyes wandering, Dr. Saltz suggests that you make it clear that although you don't expect them to wear blinders, you don't want them to ogle someone else.

If your partner really won't make any effort to change and doesn't appear to care how it makes you feel, it's likely that other issues may be affecting your relationship that couple's therapy could help examine.

Indeed, it seems that research agrees with this advice. The aforementioned study goes on to say that nagging your partner to stop looking likely won't address any underlying problems, either. Your relationship will require communication and a strategy to boost satisfaction and commitment.

Leading with jealousy and sweeping requests for your partner to change his or her behavior may lead them to tune you out. Instead, Dr. Saltz suggests the following:

• Accept that your partner's wandering eye is not a reflection of your own attractiveness.
• Don't try to "police" your partner's wandering eyes.
• If your partner's wandering eye creates a problem in your relationship, discuss the issue with them. Start with your own feelings, not with an accusation or criticism. 
• Suggest couple's therapy or attend therapy on your own if your requests are continually ignored.
• Try to casually acknowledge it first when a beautiful person comes into view.

A Word From Verywell

A wandering eye could very well be a natural, simple acknowledgment of attractive people—nothing more. Of course, that may not be the case all the time. Regardless, your feelings should be valid to your partner. If it bothers you and you have calmly expressed as such to your partner, he or she should be receptive to your concerns.

DeWall, CN, Maner, JK, Deckman, T, Rouby, DA. Forbidden fruit: inattention to attractive alternatives provokes implicit relationship reactance . J Pers Soc Psychol . 2011;100(4), 621–629. doi:10.1037/a0021749

McNulty JK, Meltzer AL, Makhanova A, Maner JK. Attentional and evaluative biases help people maintain relationships by avoiding infidelity .  J Pers Soc Psychol . 2018;115(1):76-95. doi:10.1037/pspi0000127

Pew Research Center. Couples, the internet, and social media .

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. About marriage and family therapists .

Dewall CN, Maner JK, Deckman T, Rouby DA. Forbidden fruit: Inattention to attractive alternatives provokes implicit relationship reactance .  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology . 2011;100(4):621-629. doi:10.1037/a0021749

By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. 

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How to Deal With a Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes

Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation... Read more

In This Article

Dealing with a partner who has a wandering eye can be difficult. You may worry that they are not that interested in you or that they may leave the relationship for someone else.

There are ways to cope with men with roaming eyes, so you can determine if the relationship can be saved. It can also be helpful to understand this is a problem and when it is not.

Each situation is different, but in many cases, it may just be a natural reaction to beauty, and you and your partner should be able to understand the situation.

What does it mean to have a wandering eye?

Before you determine whether your partner’s roaming eye may be a problem, it is helpful to understand what is a wandering eye.

The number one indicator that someone has a roaming eye is that they can be seen checking out other people. Essentially, they will notice other attractive people and look their way.

Roaming eyes do not always have to occur in person. As such, people may also follow attractive people on social media.

Whether it occurs in person or on the Internet, a simple way to explain the wandering eye meaning is that it involves your partner noticing people who are physically attractive .

What causes a wandering eye in a relationship?

If you are dealing with such a person, you may be asking yourself what causes this behavior.

Having a wandering eye is simply a natural reaction to seeing attractive people. When it is only a quick glance in the direction of a particularly attractive person, a roaming eye can just signify a normal appreciation of beauty.

Psychologists have even spent time researching the underlying causes, and they have concluded that when something catches our attention as humans, we unintentionally look in its direction.

Simply put, we are easily distracted, and looking at an attractive person is a natural reaction to something distracting in the environment.

That being said, it is not always a problem. It can simply be your partner’s gut reaction to beauty and nothing more.

On the other hand, if your partner is openly ogling other people or going so far as to comment on their appearance or flirt with them, this case may be a red flag that signals deeper issues.

Signs your partner has a wandering eye

Now that you know what it means and what causes it, it can be helpful to know the signs of a roaming eye. Three signs to look for in your relationship include:

• On more than one occasion, you have caught your partner looking up and down at an attractive person in public.
• Your partner follows attractive people on social media, such as fitness models or women who pose in bikinis or skimpy clothing.
• Your partner may glance at a woman walking by but then return his attention to you.

Some of the above signs are a natural reaction to seeing someone attractive and may not signal a problem.

Some more obvious and hurtful signs your partner has a wandering eye are as follows:

• Your partner openly admires other people when with you and appears to look at them longingly.
• Your partner approaches attractive people and flirts with them in your presence.
• Your significant other appears to gaze intently at other people and makes comments about their appearance, such as how nice their bodies are.

Does having a wandering eye mean your partner is cheating?

Roaming eyes can be a source of concern in some relationships, and whether it signals cheating depends on the situation. As previously stated, it is often a natural reaction for people to glance in the direction of an attractive person.

You may even find that you tend to look in the direction of members of the same sex who happen to be beautiful. You are simply noticing and appreciating beauty, which is human nature.

When it is a quick glance and nothing more, it is probably nothing to worry about and likely does not mean your significant other is cheating. We cannot expect our partners to wear blinders and avoid acknowledging other people.

If your partner notices people of the opposite sex but quickly turns attention back to you, this behavior is usually totally acceptable.

On the other hand, there are cases where it can be indicative of a larger problem. In fact, people who view others as attractive are more likely to stray in their relationships. That being said, having a wandering eye is not the only indication that someone is at risk of cheating .

Other factors, including being dissatisfied with the relationship, are linked to cheating. Furthermore, the link between cheating and a roaming eye is seen among people who have difficulty looking away from attractive people.

What all of this means is that quick glances that occur in reaction to an attractive person do not typically mean your partner is cheating.

On the other hand, when a roaming eye becomes excessive, and it seems like your partner cannot help himself but continue to gawk, something more may be going on here, especially if he openly flirts with or talks about how hot other people are.

5 signs your partner’s wandering eye may be cheating

If you are worried your partner’s problem may mean that he is cheating, there are some telltale signs to be aware of that might confirm your suspicions. Here are five to consider:

1. Their habits with technology have changed

If your partner is suddenly hooked on the phone and seems to be scrolling through Facebook and responding to texts and emails at all hours, the roaming eye may have turned into cheating, and he is using the phone to connect with a person who caught his eye more than once.

2. Your partner is suddenly highly critical of you

If your partner seems to find something wrong with everything you do , it may be that the honeymoon stage of the relationship has passed, and they are too immature to handle your quirks.

Instead of working through this with you, they may have turned to someone else.

3. There has been a change in your sexual relationship

If a roaming eye has led your partner astray, you may find that your sexual relationship changes . In some cases, your partner may stop having sex with you because he feels guilty.

On the other hand, adding new habits to the bedroom could mean he has learned new tricks outside of the relationship.

While there can be other reasons for changes to your sex life, when these changes are sudden and are paired with a roaming eye and other signs of cheating, it can be cause for suspicion.

4. Emotional intimacy has shut down as well

Physical intimacy is not the only form of closeness needed in a successful relationship.

If you find that you and your partner are no longer communicating or connecting, or they seem to be distant and unwilling to have personal conversations or discussions about the future with you, the issue may have turned into an affair.

5. Your partner is changing their style or way of dressing

When your significant other has a roaming eye and has suddenly started dressing up or trying out a new style, they may have found a new mate who has caught their attention. Dramatic shifts in style can be a sign that they are trying to impress someone else.

If the situation has been excessive and they are displaying one or more of the above signs, it may be time to consider the possibility of cheating.

How to deal with a partner who has wandering eyes

Men with wandering eyes can be frustrating, but the answer to how to fix a wandering eye depends upon the situation. If it is harmless, you may not necessarily need to stop the situation but rather change the way you look at it.

For example, if your significant other occasionally glances in the direction of an attractive person but returns his attention to you and shows no signs of cheating, this may be an innocent, natural response.

Here are the ways for dealing with someone with a wandering eye when the situation is harmless:

1. Accept it for what it is

Recognize that acknowledging someone else as being attractive is normal and does not mean your partner doesn’t love or respect you . If it’s just a quick glance, it is part of human nature.

2. Have some confidence about it

Your gut reaction may be to feel that your partner does not find you attractive if they have the issue, but remember that they have chosen to be with you, out of all the beautiful people in the world.

While his natural reaction may be to glance in the direction of an attractive woman, they still choose to stay with you. Showing confidence in this fact will make you appear even more attractive to him.

3. Take time to recognize your own good qualities

We all want to be loved and desired by our partners, so when we catch them looking at someone else, it may make us feel less than. Try not to think this way, and instead, remember your own good qualities. It takes more than just physical attractiveness to have a successful relationship.

You and your partner have a connection that runs ways deeper than a momentary glance. You have built a life together and have interests in common, and your partner probably values your personality and the spiritual connection the two of you have.

Given all of this, a quick glance in someone else’s direction typically does not undermine all that your partner values about you.

In the video below, Andrea Crump talks about how the roaming eyes of a person can cause insecurities in their partner. She provides tips to handle it. Take a look:

4. Confront your partner

If you have considered the above, and your partner’s issue still makes you uncomfortable, it may be time to have a conversation.

For example, if your partner spends so much time checking out others when you two are together that you feel you do not have his attention, it may be time to have an honest conversation about the fact that it bothers you. Be careful not to be too harsh or critical.

You may start the conversation by saying, “You may not even notice that you are doing this, but when we are together, you sometimes spend so much time staring at other girls that I feel like you do not even notice me.”

5. Play along

Another way to fix a wandering eye is to play along with your partner.

For instance, if you see him looking another woman up and down, you may comment, “She has a great smile, doesn’t she?”

Maybe your partner didn’t even realize he was spending so much time noticeably admiring others, and this method will draw his attention to it so that he is more mindful of it in the future.

If your partner’s issue is making you uncomfortable and they continue to make no effort to change their behavior, there may be something more going on, especially if there are other red flags, such as emotional distance between the two of you.

It may be time to have a heartfelt conversation about the status of the relationship.

Perhaps your partner isn’t getting what they need from you, and instead of doing the right thing and addressing it, they are wondering what it might be like to be with someone else. In this case, it has become a bigger problem.

If you find that you have to nag your partner to stop staring at others, it may be time to seek professional intervention, such as couple’s therapy, to determine if there are underlying issues that can be resolved.

3 tips for how to fix a wandering eye

If it has become a big enough problem that it requires fixing to keep you happy in the relationship, there are some tips that can make the process easier for you. When having a conversation about your partner’s problem, consider the following advice:

1. Avoid making dramatic requests

You cannot expect your partner to never look at other people, and making huge requests, such as telling him he cannot be around other women, is likely to result in him tuning you out.

Instead, you might calmly state that you would prefer he not spend time openly ogling other people when you are together.

2. State your own feelings without being harsh or critical

Remember that sometimes, it is just a natural, innocent reaction to beauty. Instead of criticizing your partner by calling names or suggesting that they have selfish or malicious motives, use “I” statements and focus on how you feel.

3. Acknowledge that you know the behavior can be totally normal

Your partner’s defenses will be heightened if you have unreasonable expectations, so it can be helpful to begin the conversation by acknowledging that you know it is only natural for beautiful women to catch their attention.

This shows him that you are not asking him to go against his nature but rather to be more mindful of his behavior to not come across as disrespectful to you.

In a healthy, secure relationship, you should be able to have a heartfelt conversation about your partner’s problem if it has become a problem for you.

If the conversation doesn’t go well, it may be time to dive deeper into your relationship issues through additional conversation or professional intervention .

How to deal with such a partner can certainly depend upon the situation. We are all drawn to attractive people, and in many cases, it can just be human nature. When we see someone beautiful, we are inclined to look in their direction. Chances are, you may even have an innocent wandering eye yourself from time-to-time.

When your partner glances at others in public or on social media, it is probably nothing to worry about. The world is full of attractive people, and someone else’s beauty does not take away from your own.

If your partner remains committed to you, meets your needs, and seems happy with you, you can be confident in the fact that he has chosen you among all the beautiful people in the world.

Remember, it is a momentary acknowledgment of someone else’s attractiveness in many cases, but your partner spends many more moments with you.

On the other hand, if it becomes a problem, you may notice that your partner is openly ogling other women, commenting on their beauty, or even flirting while in a relationship.

If this is the case, an honest conversation about your feelings may resolve the issue. Perhaps your partner was unaware of the behavior or its effect on you. If it continues to be a problem, it could be signs of relationship trouble, especially if other red flags are involved.

You have every right to discuss this with your partner or to request couples counseling if you have ongoing troubles in your relationship.

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Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation for a Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology. She has worked in the social work field for 8 years and is currently a professor at Mount Read more Vernon Nazarene University. She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. Licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and school social worker through Ohio Department of Education as well as a personal trainer through American Council on Exercise. Read less

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Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes: Understanding And Dealing With The Behavior

A partner with wandering eyes consistently looks at and has sexual thoughts about others outside the current relationship. It can be a red flag, indicating a lack of emotional commitment. Communication and setting boundaries may help address the issue, but it’s important to evaluate if it’s a deal breaker for the relationship.

Table of Contents

In a romantic relationship, it can be disheartening and hurtful when your partner constantly gazes at other people. This behavior, known as “wandering eyes,” can undermine the trust and connection between partners. Wandering eyes refer to the habit of visually admiring or checking out other individuals, even though one is in a committed relationship.

The impact of this behavior is significant, as it can lead to feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and even emotional distance in the relationship. It can make the non-gazing partner feel unimportant or unattractive, leading to a breakdown in trust and emotional intimacy. Understanding and dealing with this behavior is crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

• To fully grasp the concept of wandering eyes and its effects on relationships, it is essential to define what it means and how it differs from harmless appreciation. Choosing the right partner is crucial to understanding relationship dynamics.
• Recognizing the impact of wandering eyes on relationships is the first step in addressing this behavior. Exploring the qualities of lasting relationships can provide insights into building a strong foundation based on trust and respect.

Understanding and dealing with a partner who has wandering eyes requires open and honest communication, setting boundaries, and nurturing a deep emotional connection. By acknowledging and addressing this behavior, couples can work together to strengthen their bond and create a loving and secure partnership.

Emotional commitment is a crucial aspect of any relationship, as it allows both partners to feel secure, loved, and valued. When a partner consistently has wandering eyes, it suggests that their focus and attention may be divided between their current partner and potential romantic interests. This behavior can create feelings of insecurity and mistrust, as it demonstrates a lack of wholehearted dedication to the relationship.

While open communication and setting boundaries can be effective ways to approach this issue, it’s important to assess whether the lack of emotional commitment is a deal breaker. Every individual and relationship is unique, and what may be acceptable to one person may not be to another. Some people may be willing to work through this challenge and find a resolution, whereas others may find it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship without the assurance of complete emotional commitment. Ultimately, it is essential to prioritize one’s own emotional well-being and make a decision that aligns with one’s values and needs.

Signs and Causes of Wandering Eyes

When it comes to relationships, we all want to feel valued and cherished by our partners. However, there are times when we may notice signs of wandering eyes in our partner, which can leave us feeling hurt and insecure.

Some common signs of wandering eyes include frequently looking at others in a flirtatious manner, making their partner aware of attractive people they come across, or openly checking out other individuals while spending time together.

The causes behind this behavior can vary. It may be a result of human nature and the natural inclination to notice beautiful people. For some, it may be harmless fun and merely an acknowledgment of attractiveness. However, for others, it can stem from a lack of respect and emotional connection within the relationship.

Regardless of the cause, it is important to address this behavior in a respectful way. Open and honest communication can help establish boundaries and foster a healthier relationship. Remember, a wandering eye doesn’t necessarily indicate infidelity, but it is essential to have a conversation to ensure both partners feel secure and valued.

Effects on the Relationship

Having a partner with wandering eyes can have a negative impact on a relationship. The constant checking out of other people can lead to trust issues, jealousy, and emotional distance.

When someone’s partner is constantly looking at others, it can create a lack of trust. The person may start to question their partner’s loyalty and faithfulness, wondering if they are being compared to others or if they are truly desired. This can create insecurity and a fear of being replaced.

Jealousy can also arise when a partner feels threatened by their significant other’s wandering eyes. Seeing their partner openly checking out other attractive individuals can make them feel inadequate or not good enough. It can create feelings of resentment and a sense of competition that can be detrimental to the relationship.

Furthermore, the emotional distance between partners can widen as a result of wandering eyes. When one person is constantly visually distracted by others, it can make their partner feel neglected or unimportant. This can lead to a lack of emotional connection and intimacy, causing the relationship to suffer.

In conclusion, having a partner with wandering eyes can cause trust issues, jealousy, and emotional distance in a relationship. It is important for both partners to address and communicate their feelings in order to overcome these challenges and maintain a healthy and fulfilling connection.

Communication and Setting Boundaries

Open communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. It allows partners to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs, and creates a safe space for understanding and compromise. When it comes to setting boundaries, effective communication is crucial. By clearly expressing our limits and expectations, we ensure that our partners understand and respect our boundaries.

Setting boundaries can be challenging, but it is a necessary step in maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship. Start by having an open and honest conversation with your partner about your boundaries. Clearly define what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. Remember, setting boundaries is not about controlling your partner, but about creating a mutually respectful and fulfilling partnership.

If you notice your partner’s wandering eyes, address the issue through communication. Express your feelings and concerns in a non-confrontational manner. Listen to their perspective and try to find a middle ground. By addressing the behavior openly and honestly, you can strengthen your connection and build trust.

Communication and setting boundaries go hand in hand in fostering a healthy relationship. By openly discussing your needs and concerns, and by respecting each other’s limits, you can create a strong foundation built on trust and understanding.

Building Trust and Strengthening the Relationship

Trust is a crucial foundation for any successful relationship. When issues related to wandering eyes arise, trust can be tested. It is important to understand that wandering eyes behavior does not necessarily indicate a lack of love or commitment. However, it can lead to feelings of insecurity and doubt. Rebuilding trust in a relationship requires open and honest communication, empathy, and a willingness to address the underlying issues.

One strategy for strengthening the bond with a partner after issues with wandering eyes is to have a heartfelt conversation. Share your feelings and concerns without blaming or accusing. Create a safe space for your partner to express their perspective as well. This open communication can help both partners reach a deeper understanding and rebuild trust.

Setting clear boundaries is another important strategy for building trust after wandering eyes behavior. Discuss what is acceptable and what makes you uncomfortable. By establishing these boundaries together, you can create a sense of security and minimize misunderstandings. It is important to remember that each relationship is unique, and boundaries may vary. Respect and honor each other’s boundaries to strengthen the trust between you.

In conclusion, building trust and strengthening the relationship after issues with wandering eyes behavior requires open communication, empathy, and setting clear boundaries. By addressing the underlying issues and working together, you can rebuild trust and create a stronger bond with your partner. Trust is the foundation that allows love and connection to flourish.

Is wandering eye a red flag?

A wandering eye in a relationship can be considered a red flag, as it often indicates a lack of commitment or respect towards one’s partner. It is important to communicate boundaries and address any concerns to maintain trust and strengthen the relationship.

Is a wandering eye a deal breaker?

Having a wandering eye, where someone looks at others with romantic interest while in a committed relationship, can be a significant concern. It may indicate potential issues like trust or commitment. While it varies for each individual, open communication and trust-building exercises can support a healthier relationship.

Why does my husband keep looking at other woman?

Your husband may be looking at other women out of curiosity, habit, or simply because he appreciates beauty. It is important to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings and establish boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Trust and mutual understanding are key in addressing this situation.

How to handle your man looking at other woman in a relationship?

If your partner frequently looks at other women, it can be helpful to communicate your feelings and concerns. Find a calm moment to have an open and honest conversation about boundaries and respect within the relationship. Seek mutual understanding and work together to find a resolution.

In conclusion, dealing with a partner who has wandering eyes can be a challenging and emotionally turbulent journey. We have explored the signs and causes of this behavior, as well as the negative impact it can have on a relationship. Communication and setting boundaries play a crucial role in addressing the issue and rebuilding trust. It is important to remember that wandering eyes are not always indicative of infidelity, but rather a natural human tendency. Through open and honest conversation, couples can work towards understanding and finding a balance that respects both partners’ needs and emotions.

While the road may not always be easy, with proper communication and a commitment to building trust, it is possible to overcome the challenges that a wandering eye brings. Remember, no relationship is without its obstacles, but it is how we navigate through them that truly defines the strength of our connection.

As we conclude this discussion on dealing with a partner who has wandering eyes, it is crucial to acknowledge the importance of self-reflection and growth. We must strive to understand our own emotions and triggers, as well as our own expectations in relationships. It is through this self-awareness that we can cultivate healthier and more fulfilling partnerships.

For more insights on maintaining healthy relationships, you can explore the topic of unrealistic expectations in relationships or learn about the concept of dependence in relationship . Remember, understanding and support are key elements in nurturing and strengthening any relationship.

Thank you for joining us on this journey, and we hope that the information provided has been meaningful and helpful. May your relationships be filled with trust, understanding, and mutual growth.

Once you're in a relationship, it's totally understandable to want your partner to think you are the hottest person on the planet. And surely, they do. But there are literally tons of attractive people your bae is going to come across on a daily basis, and although a glance or two can be harmless, it's still totally normal to be concerned you're missing the signs your partner has a wandering eye . The thing is, being in a relationship doesn't make you oblivious to other attractive people, so, is this actually something you need to be worried about?

Well, it depends. It's worth noting that looking at someone who's attractive and perhaps even engaging them in conversation is different than anything that would physically be defined as cheating. Although, the definition of "cheating" can and often does vary from relationship to relationship.

It might sound surprising, but according to a study published in the U.S. National Library Of Medicine, it only takes about 100 milliseconds of gazing for the average person to decide if someone is a potential sexual partner. That's less than a second, which is far from the obvious ogling that most people associate with a "wandering eye". I spoke with Brooklyn-based dating expert Demetrius Figueroa to figure out the common signs your partner is window shopping, and how to tell if it's harmless or leading to more risqué behavior.

"I think the earliest and most obvious sign that your partner has wandering eyes is when you catch them checking other people out," Figueroa tells Elite Daily. "The reality is that even the most faithful person in the world will notice when an attractive person enters their line of sight. It doesn’t make them more likely to cheat."

Now, if they're constantly drooling at others in your presence and it makes you feel uncomfortable, then there's nothing wrong with bringing it up. Even if it's awkward, you shouldn't have to pretend you're OK with something when you aren't. It's unrealistic to expect your partner to never check out a hottie for the entirety of your relationship, but asking them not to do it in your presence should be totally fair game.

According to Figueroa, having a "wandering eye" doesn't have to only be taken literally.

"You can have a wandering eye on social media just as easily as you could in person," says Figueroa. "If you notice a sudden surge in your partner following ridiculously attractive people [or] liking photos and comments that seem to be a bit risqué, [those are all signs] they’ve got a wandering eye."

But again, is this an actual problem? Well, Figeroa suggests looking at it in from a more pragmatic angle.

"Every cheater has a wandering eye, but that doesn’t mean that everyone who has a wandering eye is a cheater," explains Figueroa. "Tilting your head when someone attractive walks by is relatively harmless, but going out of your way to leave flirty comments on social media is not."

"You might find that your partner is starting to plan more and more events where they can interact with attractive single people when you’re not there," says Figueroa.

I'm not gonna lie, I'd be annoyed AF if my SO was going out of his way to set aside time to ogle hot people instead of just ogling me. Figueroa does note that "obvious ogling" is much more of a red-flag than "fleeting glances". That said, since there's no way to know for sure that they're going to an event just to look at hotties, pouncing on them for going places solo because there "could be hot people there" might not be the most productive way to address your concerns. Instead, it might be better to consider having a casual conversation about it.

"In the end, a wandering eye, whether it’s online or offline, is harmless on its own," says Figueroa. "A wandering eye isn’t a judgment of your attractiveness or a sign that your partner wants to cheat. It’s just an acknowledgment that other people are also attractive, as long as your partner isn’t acting on it."

Your feelings are totally valid, whatever they may be, so if your partner checking out other people upsets you, then yes. You absolutely can talk to them about it , and you shouldn't have to worry about them not responding well. A good partner will be receptive to anything you have to say. So if you're able to talk about your feels and address concerns in a non-accusatory way, this is almost always a good route to go.

Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!

Woman reveals husband's 'creepy' habit with other women

By Bianca Farmakis | 3 years ago

The 'wandering eye' has long been a focal point of animosity among many committed couples.

Now, an anonymous woman has revealed her husband's "creepy" habit with other women, saying it's unlikely to change.

Writing in to an advice column in the Washington Post , the woman, 37, said her husband will regularly "find a woman and stare" every few minutes.

RELATED: Brace yourself: the full story of the 'Distracted Boyfriend' couple has emerged

"He will look over and stare until he gets her attention, and then they both stare at each other," she said.

The woman explained her insecurity does not stem from feeling unattractive or lacking a personality in her husband's presence. When she confronted her husband about the issue, he simply denied any wrongdoing.

RELATED: The most common excuse cheaters give their partners

"This makes me feel like I'm nothing, and it's just simply embarrassing," she wrote.

The situation escalates when the pair are around potentially confrontational people.

Revealing their friends pretend not to notice his habit when they're out, the woman recalled an incident in which her husband was nearly "punched" for staring at a man's girlfriend.

Though this only happened once, the woman she secretly hoped the man would punch her husband.

The frustrating situation however, doesn't draw a conclusive link to infidelity in the eyes of relationship science.

In 2017, a study of 96 heterosexual couples by the University of South Carolina Lancaster found people feeling angered by their partner's wandering eye was a "projection of their own attraction to alternatives more than it was an accurate reflection of their partner's attraction."

Put simply, if someone is struggling with their partner's desire to stray, it's probably because they've considered doing it themselves.

A 2016 study found that unlike women, men prefer faces they've never seen before - and often rank their female counterparts "less attractive" when they see them for a second time.

Caroline Madden, a marriage and family therapist, and author of After a Good Man Cheats , told Fatherly it's often a sign of people simply "noticing" those around them.

"Just because you are in a committed relationship doesn't mean you're dead — you're still going to notice beautiful people," she explained.

"It is human to glance, so if you notice someone good looking, it's generally okay. It's more about not letting that slippery slope happen."

Psychotherapist Allison Cohen told Deep Soulful Love that frequently reminding yourself of your partner's commitment to you is crucial, "even if they notice an attractive other from time to time.

"For those that do desire an outward communication of the issue, your best bet will be to come from a place of observation and curiosity," she explained.

"If after the conversation, you determine that the behaviour hasn't ceased or lessened, you may need to re-evaluate the level at which your partner respects and addresses your needs."

However, Florida State University found a link between the wandering eye and infidelity in a 2018 study . It determined people who looked elsewhere were more likely to have cheated on their partner within a three-year period.

The study also discovered that when people stared for shorter periods of time, cheating was likely to be reduced by half - with 100 milliseconds sparking all the difference.

The Washington Post 's advice columnist Miss Manners told the woman, "It is not that you are afraid he is looking at someone prettier; it is that he is embarrassing himself by harassing some other woman."

"If it is not going to stop, then either he or you will not be in attendance at the next dinner."

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How To Stop Your Wandering Eye: Every Man’s Battle

QUESTION: What do you do if you find someone attractive—other than your spouse? What if you find that you have a wandering eye?

If you find someone attractive, your first line of defense is a proper mind-set, which is this: This attraction threatens everything I hold dear.

It may not appear threatening early in the attraction, when everything seems innocent. Remember, though, that attractions grow quickly and can destroy your marriage. Even if your marriage manages to survive, at the very least the lurking will weaken the foundation of your marriage and rob your wife of your full captivation.

Your second line of defense is to declare, I have no right to think these things . State this to yourself clearly, decisively, and often. You don’t even know this woman; who are you to be attracted to her? Didn’t your Master give you your wife?

T he third line of defense is to heighten your alert.What do you normally do when you feel threatened? You take off your jacket and breathe deeply. You ready yourself for what’s coming.

Suppose you’re a bouncer at a dance club, checking I.D.s and tickets, joking with the customers. One night, five men in black leather loudly roar up on motorcycle, looking surly and arrogant. Would you relax and back away from the door? Not on your life. Without hesitation, you’d step up to the door and stand erect, ready to confront the threat.

Consider the old Star Trek television series. What did Captain Kirk do when danger approached? He cried out: Red alert! Shields up!

With your mind-set transformed, you won’t let her near the corral. The attraction will begin to starve, and she’ll drift back toward the horizon. How can you make sure this will happen?

BOUNCE YOUR EYES.

You saw her passing your corral, and you were physically attracted to her. Starve this attraction by bouncing your eyes (which means to “build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from the hot stove”). Don’t dwell on her beauty by stealing glances. Do this with zeal.

Sometimes this isn’t possible, but do it when you can. If she works with you, and the two of you are assigned to the same project, don’t ask her to eat lunch with you or offer her a ride home. Avoid opportunities that create positive experiences with her until the attraction phase dies. If she asks you to do something with her, excuse yourself.

WHEN YOU’RE IN HER COMPANY, PLAY THE DWEEB.

Our hero, Dweebman, steps into a nearby public rest room. He emerges as the polyester-clad enemy of all things flirtatious and hip. Dull, mild-mannered Dweebman—pocket protector shielding his heart and hair slightly askew—wages his quiet, thankless war of boring interchange. Our once-threatening Amazon withdraws to undefended sectors. This leaves Dweebman victorious again in his never-ending good fight to stave off the hip and the impure in his galactic empire!

Okay, there’s not that much glory in playing the dweeb. There’ll be no comic-book deals no endorsement deals, no 20/20 interviews with Barbara Walters, but you’ll be a hero to your wife and kids.

A dweeb is the opposite of a player. In relationships, players send and receive social signals smoothly. Dweebs do not. When a player wants to send attraction signals, there are certain things he’ll do. He’ll flirt, banter, and smile with a knowing look. He’ll talk about hip things. In short, he’ll be cool. You were a player at one time, and knew how to feed attractions. You spent your whole adolescence learning how.

Social Suicide

As a married man, however, a little social suicide is very much in order. Always play the dweeb. Players flirt… learn to un-flirt. Players banter… learn to un-banter. If a woman smiles with a knowing look, learn to smile with a slightly confused look, to un-smile. If she talks about things that are hip, talk about things are un-hip to her, like your wife and kids. She’ll find you pleasant enough but rather bland and uninteresting. Perfect.

Sometimes a woman’s attractiveness to you will be mental rather than physical. This is common in work environments as you work with women on projects that interest you both. In business it’s common to spend more hours per day with female coworkers than with your wife. You talk with them about common goals and achieving success, while all you and your wife talk about are the kids’ discipline problems, who’s going to change the dirty diapers, and bills, bills, bills.

As with physically attractive women, you must understand that if your shields aren’t up, and if you don’t recognize the threat to your marriage, you’re flirting with danger.

To summarize:

If you’re attracted to a woman, it doesn’t mean you may never again have any sort of relationship or friendship with her. It only means you must enact your defense perimeters. Once you’ve starved the attractions and she’s a safe distance away, you can have a proper relationship, one that is honoring to your wife and to the Lord.

You can also visit the web site that goes along with this book, Everymansbattle.com . They have some great articles on this web site that could minister to your needs in tremendous ways.

More from Marriage Missions

Tagged: flirting , guard your heart

Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Sexual Issues

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60 responses to “ How To Stop Your Wandering Eye: Every Man’s Battle ”

Good Morning Everyone. My name is Ronelle and i am from South Africa. I have been going through a really turbulent two weeks. With my mum being sick and the whole atmosphere being so heavy at home. Prior to this have been a tough couple of years with the passing of my brother, my sister distancing herself from us, my dad leaving us and years later finding that he had ended up on the streets and just quite a bit of unfortunate things that have happened in our family life. there were often times where i would be so discouraged and say to my mum, “what more could God allow to happend to us” and my mum would say in almost a concerned tone for me not to say that, becuase it could be much worse, as many families lose so much each day. But these past two weeks have been so hard To the point of me actually considering giving up my Sunday School teaching in our local church. I just feel so depressed at times but so exhausted since i have two small kids to provide for as well and my mum who is in and out of depression herself. I joined the gym a while ago to help with the stress and refused the anti depressant medication. I also quite recently noticed my partner glancing at other women from time to time and although i know that it is normal, as most secular sites claim it to be, i wanted to know what Gods thoughts were on the issue and googled exactly that “What does God’s Word say about a wandering eye”. And this site came up. Thank God. The explanation of it all and how we really need to be accountable and take conscious action when we feel we are being tempted to do things that put our relationship in trouble. Thank you so much for this article. Something within my spirit refused to believe that we should just its a normal thing and that its normal if your husband has lustful thoughts as long as they dont touch. and that its crazy for the woman. wife to feel insecure and disrespected and should learn to accept it as part of life or move on.

I shared this with my partner and i was a bit nervous as to how he would repond. We are both born again believers. I thank God that he was open to listening to me read out the various points and afterward told me that he agrees with all that has been said. I told him that i do understand that for both of us it is normal to notice attractive people but to use these methods and train our minds and heart to submit under the authority of Christ and remember that He has blessed us with each other and we need to consciously work at driving out the worlds temptations. It was something that was adding to the things that worried me, but knowing that he acknowledges how it makes me feel and agrees with how we as a Godly couple should behave for God’s glory, each other and in the sight of our kids, just alleviated so much stress. I thank God for guiding me to your site. And i do know that just as He has delivered me from these fears and continues a good work in my life, He will heal and deliver my mum and family as well.

Thank you again for this article.

Lots of guys, including myself find ourselves glancing at other women. Fortunately I find my wife very attractive. I focus on her and those few special body parts & curves I really like. She wears yoga pants, plus she is almost 60!! When I pay attention to her, I notice others much less. So guys, pay attention to your wives, not others’ wives. Ladies, look good for your husband, make him notice you. throw away the house coat and jogging pants.

My fiancé of 19 years can learn from you. No matter how good I look or dress his eyes and mind still wonder on other women. Also he’s been divorced five times.

Maria, Could the “wandering eyes” on other women when he is pledged to marry you and the “five times” divorced situation give you a clue as to what might be facing you if you marry?

Wow! This gave me so much wisdom I need to stop having a wandering eye. I’m a married woman and even though this article is for men, it is right on point for women too. I will be a “dweeb”. I want to be faithful to God and my husband. Thank you.

I will agree wholeheartedly with 3 points in the article: YES learn to divert your eyes physically if you can’t trust yourself not to look with lust; YES avoid her when possible (and it isn’t always). When it’s not, have a coworker present. Leave your office door open. Don’t spend unnecessary time together, e.g., lunch, coffee after work. STAY FOCUSED on business.

“Playing the DWEEB” is about the stupidest idea I have ever heard. If she begins steering the conversation in an inappropriate direction, you can casually mention your wife/kids, etc. to remove any doubt about your being “off limits” (my best friend is the world’s best at this). If she still doesn’t get the hint, call her out on it directly, saying, “I’m sorry, but this conversation is inappropriate.”

But deliberately acting like a dork?!? That’s pathetic! Why would you want to act immature and juvenile? People will take notice of it and you will lose the respect of your co-workers and your boss. You will become a laughingstock. And rightly so. Be a man. Be mature. Be a professional and deal with it professionally.

Alan, I respectfully disagree w/second half of your comments. Particularly, “that’s pathetic” (Maybe so. But maybe not. You’re revealing a weakness in lack of understanding or empathy for those in such a forum as this. Your comment likely does more damage than good). Or maybe it’s not pathetic. Maybe it’s just the nature of being deeply in need. (People) In need of healing very deep emotional and mental wounds. Why deeply? I’m speaking of those who received abuse.

So, getting back to my point. Do you Alan, think victims of abuse can just flip a switch? What about those who were escaping life’s miseries by increasingly leaning on something to the point of obsession/addiction? Please consider these words. “Be mature, be a man”: this has a similar effect to the former. It’s bootstrap talk, which expects one to just flip-a-switch, to change not desirable behavior.

Perhaps, your recommendations are all thoughts and methods that you use. Perhaps you think they helped you. If you know someone in recovery, please avoid the putdowns and bootstrap talk. I hope you don’t badger them. Encourage their recovery. Best and blessings to you. Thank you.

Woman here. I’m having such a wandering eye these days. It’s so hard. I can’t seem to control it. I’m scared that I can’t be happy with my husband the rest of my life. I want other men. I pray daily for help. I feel no attraction for my husband anymore. I love him as a friend and companion and he’s a great person and a great father. I’m trying so hard to focus on all I do have. But this is making me depressed, to not feel desire for my husband. I could never hurt him though…..so I’m stuck in this sort of prison.

I completely understand his eyes looking at an attractive woman. But when the eyes go over, and over to the same places it becomes disrespectful to me. He keeps saying that he is very friendly, and likes to engage in conversation with man and woman alike. The flaw that I see with that thought is that if you are friendly, and want to engage in conversation, you don’t look to certain body parts to do so. I am frustrated, and not sure what to do.

I definitely like to interact and make aye contact with other women. I don’t know if that is flirting. I was fired from the same office my wife was working on because of that. I never felt I was and my wife didn’t know the reason why they let me go.

I really enjoy watching other women even if my wife is present. I don’t think that’s lack of respect either. She gets really upset and expresses her frustration; she also asked me to apologize at least, to what I normally reply that she should be the one to apologize because she looses her temper.

I don’t think I’m micro cheating, it’s just the way I am. My wife simply doesn’t understand. I don’t think I need help anyways.

Luis, I have to remind myself “eyes up”

What It Really Means For The Relationship When Your Partner Has A Wandering Eye

• https://thoughtcatalog.com/?p=780306

I don’t know how many times I have been in relationships where the object of my affection felt the need to stray visually. I have tried to be a “one-stop shop” in my relationships however it seems that the men I date are visually hard wired to look at other men with lust and desire spewing from their gaze. I get it we are guys, we are visual, we look, blah blah blah. However we are human beings with the built in capacity for self-control and empathy.

It’s really heartbreaking and mildly confusing knowing that the one you want to be with wants to be with someone else. This is the message sent when your partner looks at another person with lust in their eyes.

I am of the belief that a wandering eye leads to a wandering heart and where the heart goes the body is sure to follow and to be honest I was spot on in my assessment. Those who I dated that possessed a wandering eye inevitably cheated on me. Now based on my tried and true lived-through relational traumas, a wandering eye is just an early sign of relational doom. The beginning of the end if you will. Where there is smoke, there is usually fire and I try my best now to abandon those emotional burning buildings before they go up in flames.

A relationship with a person who has a wandering eye is really no relationship at all. It is really just two people killing time trying to be less alone justifying love in an effort to avoid psychosocial failures.

Our culture has done extensive research on the costs of physical infidelity as well as emotional infidelity however we have rarely, if ever heard about the consequences of what I’d like to call “visual infidelity” and what that does to a relationship. We always tend to write it off as innocent curiosity and harmless fun. But looking at another with desire and lustful curiosity while in the confines of a mutually loving and supportive relationship can indeed erode the trust in our relationship and ultimately incite us to cheat on our partners.

Knowing that our partners find others attractive is completely understandable. We are human and are blessed with the ability to recognize and appreciate beauty. However when our gaze becomes lust-driven and is littered with a longing quality, this is when simple appreciation becomes complicated adoration.

Not only does it erode our satisfaction with our current relationship, it also makes our partners feel inadequate, unworthy and dangerously insufficient. It is the first sign of emotional abandonment and disengagement in a relationship and gradually erodes the trust we have in our partners ability to be faithful and loyal to us.

Oftentimes partners will try to justify their toxic gaze with attacks on their partner’s level of security within themselves and the relationship. They will claim that if their partners are bothered by their wandering eye, it is because they are somehow insecure and unsure of themselves. I will not rule this out as a possibility as sometimes our partners do struggle with feelings of low self-esteem and personal inadequacies that have nothing to do with our actions, however let me make it very clear: some behaviors such as looking at another person with lustful desire while in a perfectly healthy and functioning relationship is NOT ok. It can be triggering and can make our partners feel like they are not enough.

In a healthy relationship , our goal is to make our partners feel like they are valued, respected, cherished, wanted and loved.

It is not ok to blame them or shame them or make it seem as though it is “their feelings” that are the problem when in actuality it is the wandering eye that is the problem. Claiming that our partners are somehow insufficient because they refuse to tolerate such behaviors only creates a climate of emotional abandonment and works to perpetuate the cycle of distrust and only adds wood to the fires of insecurity and doubt within the relationship.

Truth is we all find people attractive in one way or another. We all can appreciate the fundamentals of beauty. However when we decide to be in a relationship with someone else, there are certain things that we must be willing to give up in order to realize the full potential of a loving and supportive bond.

A fun-loving creative soul who enjoys various forms of expression.

Keep up with Luis on Instagram and luisspeaks.wordpress.com

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How To Handle A Partner With A Wandering Eye

We all want to feel secure in our relationships. To feel wanted and cherished. Trust is an important aspect to any romantic relationship, and a wandering eye can bring up feelings of insecurity and even suspicion.

When the issue of a partner’s wandering eye is brought into discussion, there appear to be two differing responses to this behaviour. It is either met with indifference, and viewed as a human response beyond one’s control. Other individuals, on the other hand, find it upsetting and disrespectful.

Before we dive into the best way to approach this issue with your partner, let’s explore whether it’s necessary to worry about this behaviour. According to a study published in the U.S. National Library of Medicine via elitedaily.com it only takes about 100 milliseconds of gazing for the average person to decide if someone is a potential sexual partner. With that in perspective, there’s a fine line between a harmless glance and blatant ogling.

If you are constantly catching your partner checking people out, that’s obviously the first sign that they might have wandering eyes. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology via verywellmind.com found that a consistent wandering eye may hint towards a deeper issue in a relationship. On the other side of the coin, take care to not blow something small out of proportion.

Here’s the thing; being in a committed relationship doesn’t render a person suddenly impervious to attractive people. We’re human beings who are innately drawn to beauty. We’re visual creatures. A quick glance at someone attractive is probably just an involuntary response. What matters is how fast your partner tears their gaze away. If they continue to stare and check this person out in your presence, that crosses the line from harmless to disrespectful.

If your partner is in the habit of ogling other people there’s nothing wrong with communicating your discomfort. It’s not only awkward for you to be subjected to that kind of behaviour, it could also be a blow to the ego.

You’re not expecting them to wear blinders, but asking your partner to be mindful of their wandering eye when you’re around is not unreasonable. Proper communication is paramount here – you don’t want to nag or lead with jealousy.

Contrastingly, many women take a different approach. Instead of showing that they are affected by this behaviour, they go along with it. Here’s an example – let’s say a woman catches her boyfriend eyeing a woman. Instead of turning a blind eye, she’ll speak up, point out the woman receiving her partner’s attention and say something along these lines: “Wow. She’s got insane legs, huh?”

This is an effective strategy for a few reasons. For one, you’re showing your confidence. You’re secure enough in yourself to recognize beauty within other women. That whole “she’s beautiful and so am I” mentality. This is a wildly attractive characteristic to men. It allows you to take control of the situation on your own terms and diffuse it without bringing attention to the issue. It also shows that you’re confident in your relationship. You know that an attractive stranger isn’t going to derail your entire relationship. There’s so more to chemistry than physical attraction. There’s emotional chemistry, spiritual chemistry. You know you hit all these points with your partner – you wouldn’t be in a relationship if you didn’t have that multi-faceted connection. Having that deep confidence in your relationship, having a solid foundation of trust? This makes a huge difference in the stability of a relationship.

A wandering eye can indeed point to a larger issue within a relationship – but it can also just be a simple acknowledgement of attractive people. They’re everywhere – we can’t escape them. Before anything else, look within. Feel good about who you are, and know that your partner was drawn to you for a plethora of reasons. Your partner’s momentary attention to an attractive person in no way diminishes their attraction to you.

By sitcadmin | March 25, 2019

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New book from NYT bestselling author Lewis Howes is now available!

Jordan peterson, on marriage, resentment & healing the past (part 1).

How do you create relationships that last?

Abraham Lincoln said, “I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have.” And Viktor Frankl said, “Everything can be taken from a man but the last of the human freedoms: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”

My guest today is Dr. Jordan Peterson. He is a Canadian Professor of Psychology, known for teaching mythology to lawyers, doctors, and business people, and for helping his clinical clients manage depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, and schizophrenia. 

His lectures have been viewed by hundreds of millions of people online. Jordan has published over 100 scientific papers that have transformed our modern understanding of personality. His previous book, 12 Rules for Life : An Antidote to Chaos , was a New York Times bestseller and mega-hit around the world. He’s now back with a new book titled Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life . 

This interview ended up going an hour longer than we planned — almost two and a half hours in total! The entire conversation with Jordan was too captivating to cut it short. 

In part one of this two-part post, we’ll dive into the first half of the episode and learn about Jordan’s marriage of 50 years, and how to start opening yourself up to what you want in life. Jordan also has some surprising things to teach us about marriage, discipline, resentment, and memory. 

I’m telling you, this episode is eye-opening, even for those of you who, like me, have already heard him speak or read his books. There’s so much I learned in our conversation that I’ve never heard him say before. 

Let’s jump straight in!

Who Is Jordan Peterson? 

Dr. Jordan B. Peterson is a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto, a clinical psychologist, and the author of the multi-million copy bestseller 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos , #1 for nonfiction in 2018 in the US, Canada, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, Sweden, the Netherlands, Brazil, and Norway, and slated for translation into 50 languages.

With his students and colleagues, Dr. Peterson has published more than a hundred scientific papers , advancing the modern understanding of creativity, competence, and personality, while his now-classic book, Maps of Meaning: The Architecture of Belief (released in June 2018 as a new bestselling author-read audiobook ) transformed the psychology of religion. He was nominated for five consecutive years as one of Ontario’s Best University Lecturers and is one of only three professors rated as “life-changing” in the U of T’s underground student handbook of course ratings.

Dr. Peterson recently came out with his new book Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life , and I suggest you pick up a copy! This book is full of wisdom on how to bring order to the chaos of our daily lives.

I’ve had the honor of interviewing Dr. Peterson in the past (Episodes #664 and #665 ), and it was a joy to have him back on the show! Our conversation was so insightful that I had to split it into two parts, so make sure to check back on Wednesday to hear the rest of his wisdom.

Jordan’s Keys to a Successful 50-Year-Long Marriage

It’s easy to romanticize successful long-term relationships. So often, we think successful relationships and marriages are ones in which we’re comfortable all the time, but that’s not true. According to Jordan, successful relationships are all about creating a space where the boundaries are clearly defined, and each partner can trust the other to be completely open about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. 

“[My wife and I] do our best not to lie to each other about anything. We have fights when they’re necessary because we don’t hide things in the fog. If we’re having a dispute, we do our level best to get to the bottom of it, to find out what in the world’s causing it, who needs to change and why, and how, and when, and then how we can progress forward into the future without having that issue doghouse or drag behind us. That means a fair bit of confrontation. Less so over the years as we’ve settled more things [with] everything out in the open.” – Dr. Jordan Peterson

I love his last point: the idea that having everything out in the open is what builds trust. The longer you’re in a relationship and the quicker you settle disputes it would seem, the fewer issues you may have to contend with in the future. 

Another reason why Jordan says his marriage continues to be so rewarding and fulfilling even after so many decades together: they keep the romance alive by continuing to date each other, making it a point to schedule as many as three special dates per week. (In his newest book, Jordan includes an entire chapter about romance called ‘Plan and Work Diligently to Maintain the Romance in Your Relationship’ . 

Jordan also explains that relationships require effort, preparation, and cooperation, and describes what that looks like in his marriage:

“We both want it to work. That’s another thing, we’re committed to it and not interested in finding another relationship. So far we’ve been fortunate in that it’s worked. We have fun together. We love our kids. We’ve had joint projects together, renovating houses, traveling, raising our children, and now our grandchildren. [Out] of all that, the most important thing as far as I’m concerned is not to lie to your partner.” – Dr. Jordan Peterson

What Carl Jung Taught Jordan about Marriage 

Carl Jung, the psychoanalyst, spoke about marriage as a ‘vow’, perhaps as a reminder that marriage is a commitment to stay together and support your partner no matter what. That means sticking around even when they’re sick, irritating, or frustrating, or when things from their past—like generational or childhood trauma—cause them to think or behave in ways that might be challenging, or that might affect the dynamic of your relationship.

This is what Jordan says is one of the advantages of marriage: it seems to be easier for us to reveal ourselves completely, wounds and all when we’re with a partner who has made that official, on-paper commitment to stick with us unconditionally. For those of us who have a lot of personal growth ahead of us, being able to be open about our challenges, experiences, and difficult feelings can help a lot with healing past traumas and can make a huge impact on personal growth. 

“[To be married] means you’ll have someone there when you’re not well, and so will your partner. You’ll have someone to share all the positive things of life with. Human beings are complicated and have such dark corners and unresolved problems in their life. Sometimes those stem back generations and are twisted and bent in all sorts of ways. It’s very difficult to reveal [yourself] except to someone who can’t run away.” – Dr. Jordan Peterson

Jordan’s Thoughts on Jealousy and Insecurity in Relationships

When we think of jealousy and insecurity in a relationship, the first thing we think of is usually the infamous wandering eye or the idea that your partner might not be as faithful and monogamous as you’re relying on them to be.

But there’s another kind of jealousy we should look out for — one that can sneak up on us. It’s the jealousy you might feel when your partner seems to be finding more success in life than you.

Jordan has something to say about that: 

“[Jealousy in this situation] is not helpful. You should be pleased! The optimal situation is to be pleased when your partner is successful. I don’t think the competition between people who are in a monogamous relationship is useful. You’re on the same team.” – Dr. Jordan Peterson

If you’re feeling jealous about your partner’s success, it’s important to ask yourself if you might be comparing your personal life journey to theirs, and struggling with some feelings of insecurity about your worth or skills.

“We don’t get to play revisionist with our history.” @jordanbpeterson  

If you find that your jealousy is caused by some insecurity, it’s important to talk about that with your partner. Say outright, “I feel jealous,” and go from there. It might not be easy, but that’s okay. These can be incredibly difficult conversations to have.

The fact that these important, open-hearted conversations can be so challenging is also why Jordan believes we should all be taught how to communicate — and more importantly, negotiate — properly. 

Why Jordan Believes the Art of Negotiation Matters in Marriage

For those of you who are married or in long-term relationships: Have you ever felt like you’re the one who always does the dishes or the laundry? Do you feel like you’re dealing with big challenges alone, like supporting aging parents, raising a child, or managing the finances?

If you’re keeping those feelings to yourself right now, you’re not alone. It’s common in long-term relationships. It’s also normal to feel nervous when it comes to sharing these feelings with your partner — especially if you’re worried about how they might react.

Jordan says that being a great negotiator can help. That means figuring out how to articulate your wishes and needs to your partner in a clear, positive manner, and then inviting them to strategize with you so you can find mutually beneficial solutions, and that ensure both of you will get your needs met. 

“People fool themselves into thinking that it’s okay what they’re doing. ‘I’m sacrificing myself for the children and that’s okay. I’m sacrificing myself for my husband’s career and that’s okay. I’m working at a job I can’t stand because I need to support my wife and children and that’s okay.’ Sometimes that is okay, but it has to be out in the open, talked about, negotiated, and discussed. You can be a slave or a tyrant or you can negotiate. Those are your options. We default to slavery and tyranny because that doesn’t require any cognitive effort, and then we pretend that everything’s all right. Then it blows up in our faces and we end up divorced.” – Dr. Jordan Peterson

“A slave, a tyrant, or a negotiator.” That might be difficult to hear, but when you secretly feel like you’re always sacrificing your happiness and goals to make sure your partner is happy, over time you really can start to feel like a slave.  Likewise, if your partner has expressed that they feel as if they’re always sacrificing themselves for you and you aren’t getting your needs met, you may start to feel like a tyrant. 

But you can also feel like a negotiator, and that can be empowering.

The idea of “slave, tyrant, negotiator” is such an illustrative and succinct way Jordan helps us understand the roles we choose in our marriages and long-term relationships, and how we can work to build a foundation for success: become a good negotiator.

Jordan’s Parenting Philosophy

Jordan and his wife Tammy endured the trauma of having one of their children, Mikhaila, go through a serious illness for years. In the podcast episode, Jordan reflects on how his family maintained their resilience through it all, attributing it to the fact that he and his wife worked out long ago — together — what values they would commit to when raising their children, and what discipline or child-rearing philosophies they would apply. 

“We had to ignore [my son] a lot because he wasn’t dying. He was great, he rode through that like a master. If [my wife and I] hadn’t sorted out our child-rearing philosophy, it would’ve sunk us for sure. The serious illness of a child is an unbelievable stressor, but we sailed through that as well as could be hoped. Of course, there’s the odd regret. When you have a sick child, you have this terrible conundrum all the time of how hard do you push them. Sometimes we pushed harder than we should have, but at least we did that together.” – Dr. Jordan Peterson

I can’t even begin to imagine the difficulty they endured while seeing their daughter go through such tough times. However, I imagine it would have been much more difficult if, in addition to supporting their child through her journey, they were also at odds with one another as partners because they couldn’t agree on how to parent through trauma. We can learn from this: Before starting a family, talk about what values are important to you to instill in your children, and what parenting philosophies you’ll adhere to. More importantly, keep talking about it. 

Likewise, Jordan’s parenting philosophy is a great reminder that disciplining a child isn’t necessarily about punishing them when we don’t like their behavior. Discipline is about raising a child to become disciplined: in other words, strong and resilient.

Jordan’s experiences with his son Julian, years ago when Julian was just three years old, is a great example of this idea:

“It was hard to get [Julian] to do what he didn’t want to do. [I’d make him] sit on the steps, and if he wouldn’t because he was stubborn, well, I’d bring him over and put him [back] on the steps. He’d be angry because he got interfered with, he didn’t get to do what he wanted to do. He’d sit on the steps, but be mad as hell on the way there, arms pumping up and down, overcome with anger. The rule was ‘son, as soon as you get yourself under control and you can act like a civilized human, then you come and tell me and that’s it, you’re done [having to be on the steps]’. But it had to be real.” – Dr. Jordan Peterson

Jordan expected Julian to be compliant and get himself under control, which wasn’t easy — for him or Julian! But when it was hard for Julian, Jordan made sure to endure those difficulties alongside him. Meanwhile, Julian was able to prove to himself what he was capable of. He was able to integrate that self-control into his identity, as well as that trust in his father, and ultimately grow into a truly disciplined man.

Not to mention that all through Mikaela’s illness, Julian’s ability to stay resilient, and patient, and communicate his experiences was a great benefit to him and the entire family.

How Jordan Approaches Resentment and Trauma

As some of you might know, I grew up practicing Christian Science. There’s a line in the New Testament I appreciate where Christ says: “If you have a problem with your brother, fix that first, and go pray later.”  A lot happening in that line, but one of the most important things this quote teaches us is that holding onto a grudge against someone you care about breeds resentment, which affects every area in our lives. Jordan agrees: 

“[Resentment] is horrible, toxic, it’s so destructive — but it’s so informative. If you’re resentful, you’re either being oppressed and not standing up for yourself or you’re whiny and should grow up. Both of those things are useful to realize you’re resentful and want to do something about it.”– Dr. Jordan Peterson

In other words, resentfulness can be a gateway to self-improvement! 

As for trauma, Jordan believes getting mental health support to help you process trauma is important. However, he also warns both mental health professionals and their clients that sometimes when there is a crisis, well-meaning professionals can, unfortunately, rush in to discuss the trauma while it’s still happening. He believes this is a bad idea. 

“People are traumatized because something horrible happened and dwelling on it in the moment makes it worse. It’s not like anybody has a solution. [Imagine] someone’s shot up your kid’s school—[having a therapist say to them,] ‘Here’s how you should understand this, it [will make it] all better,’ is a terrible idea! No, it won’t!”– Dr. Jordan Peterson

Having been a victim of sexual abuse at age five myself, Jordan’s advice here resonates with me and would have been true for me at the time. It’s also advice I think we should all consider when speaking with close friends or family about their trauma. 

Jordan exemplifies this idea further and provides some examples of how we can all process our traumas through the story of a patient who was abused by her brother when she was only five.

“She was 27 when she came to see me. The first thing I did was point out her brother was only two years older than her and to think about the seven-year-olds she knows. For a five-year-old, a seven-year-old is an adult, but for an adult, a seven and a five-year-old are both children. It made her feel less vulnerable at the moment because what our brain wants in relationship to a traumatic memory is an indication that you’re no longer vulnerable to the same problem. That’s what memory is for. You remember something bad and you process it so that you change your interpretation, or your behavior, or the situation so that it isn’t going to happen in the future.” – Dr. Jordan Peterson

What I find most enlightening about this quote is the idea that memory has a purpose. It’s not just there to make an objective record of the world, it’s also there to make a functional map of the world that you can apply to the future. It’s there to help us make sense of our past. Spending time with your memories can help you pinpoint things you want more of or less of in your life. 

Why You Should Listen to This Dr. Jordan Peterson Podcast Episode Right Now…

This interview was so insightful, it was hard to stop talking — we went over our planned end time by nearly an hour!  I hope you enjoy part one as much as I did, and that you’re excited to wrap it all up in part two! And don’t forget to listen to the episode in its entirety to get the full scoop, and to share the episode with someone who needs to hear it. You could change someone’s life!

If you enjoyed this episode, let us know on Instagram! Tag Jordan, @jordan.b.peterson , and me, @lewishowes , with a screenshot of the episode and your greatest takeaways! Remember, this is just part one! Check out part two [here] to learn even more from Jordan.

You should also check out his website www.jordanbpeterson.com to connect with him and listen to his world-class podcast. 

To Greatness,

Some Questions I Ask:

• What do you love most about your wife?
• What are the keys to a 50-year marriage like yours?
• What happens when we feel our partner is depriving us of what we want?
• Why is it hard to admit what we want?
• Did you have a goal to impact so many people?
• How are you able to handle mass attention?
• What is the best approach to healing shame?
• How can we think about reputation?

In this episode, you will learn:

• The keys to Jordan’s 50-year relationship. It was great hearing him open up!
• How to start opening up and admitting what you want in life.
• How Jordan thinks about discipline.
• How feeling resentful can be useful.
• How to heal the memories of our past.
• Plus much more…

Show Notes:

• Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life
• www.selfauthoring.com

Transcript of this Episode

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The Danger of a Wandering Eye

A long-term study of newlyweds reveals the precursors of infidelity..

Posted May 14, 2018 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Infidelity is a major cause of relationship breakdown, and so understanding why some people cheat is an important area of research.

Of course, none of us is immune to temptation. Committing to a long-term, exclusive relationship doesn’t close our minds to the alternative. A marriage vow enshrines our intention “to forsake all others,” but it can’t render all others unattractive.

Psychological research suggests that we manage our illicit desires by tearing our attentions away from appealing alternatives (“Out of sight, out of mind”), and by devaluing the allure of those who nevertheless catch our eye ("They aren’t all that”). Those who report greater commitment to their partners tend to deploy these so-called “evaluative biases” more effectively.

James McNulty and his colleagues at Florida State University, in a paper published recently in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , wondered whether evaluative biases have any effect on real-world behavior. Reported feelings of commitment are one thing, but actual infidelity is another thing entirely.

Are people who are able to still their wandering eyes less likely to cheat?

McNulty’s team recruited around 500 newlyweds (most couples were male-female) for a long-term study. At the beginning of the study, all the volunteers visited the researchers’ lab. There they completed two tasks:

• The first was a test of the volunteers’ attention to romantic alternatives. The volunteers were shown a series of photographs of attractive and average-looking men and women on a computer screen. After each photograph disappeared from the screen, it was replaced by a square or a circle. The volunteers’ job was to click one button if the shape was a square and another if it was a circle. Sounds easy, right? However, the photograph wasn’t always in the same place on the screen —each one jumped to a new position. And the shapes that appeared after the photographs were sometimes in the same position as the photograph, and sometimes elsewhere. The idea behind the task was that volunteers who find it difficult to drag their attention away from a face will be slower to categorize a shape when it materializes elsewhere on the screen. An attractive face is more likely to "glue" your eyes in position.
• In the second task, the volunteers’ tendency to devalue the attractiveness of others was tested. The volunteers rated the attractiveness of the same men and women whose photographs they had seen in the first task. A control group of single volunteers also rated the photographs. On average, the newlyweds rated the photographs as less attractive than the singletons did, which confirms the results of previous research indicating that those in a committed relationship are more inclined to devalue the attractiveness of others. However, each volunteer varied in the extent to which they devalued attractiveness compared to the average singleton. Some thought the faces were relatively unattractive; others thought the faces were relatively attractive.

Over the next three years, the volunteers periodically completed surveys about their commitment to their marriage, and reported on infidelity by themselves and their spouses.

McNulty discovered that those who had found attractive others more attention-grabbing were more likely to have cheated on their partner by the end of the three years. In fact, he could be specific about it: Each increase in the speed of disengagement of one-tenth of a second (about the difference between gold and silver medal times in elite 100m sprint races) decreased the odds of infidelity by a massive 50 percent . I’ll say it again: If you can tear your eyes away from a hottie 100ms faster, you are half as likely to cheat on your partner in the next three years.

Of course, we can’t be sure that cheating is caused by a wandering eye. It is possible that people who are distracted by attractive alternatives also behave differently in other ways, or possess certain attitudes or values that directly influence infidelity. McNulty also found that cheaters were more likely to report lower relationship satisfaction and to have younger partners.

Those who reported infidelity were also less likely to devalue the attractiveness of alternatives: If you think other people are hot, you’re more likely to stray. In McNulty’s study, volunteers who rated attractive, opposite- sex persons an average of two points lower in attractiveness on a 1–10 scale were half as likely to have cheated.

So, a tendency to avoid looking at attractive others, and to view those who do attract attention as less appealing, does seem to be associated with faithfulness.

Further analyses revealed that people who rated others as more attractive tended to be less satisfied with their relationships by the end of the three years. Also, McNulty discovered that volunteers who found it more difficult to drag their attention away from attractive alternatives were more likely to have broken up. (After three years, around 12 percent of all the couples had gone their separate ways.)

Volunteers were also photographed at the beginning of the study, and their own photographs were rated for attractiveness by a group of independent volunteers. When a woman was low in others' perceived attractiveness, both she and her partner were more likely to cheat. The male partner’s attractiveness was unimportant.

McNulty, J. K., Meltzer, A. L., Makhanova, A., & Maner, J. K. (in press). Attentional and evaluative biases help people maintain relationships by avoiding infidelity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. doi:10.1037/pspi0000127

Robert Burriss, Ph.D., is an evolutionary psychologist at Basel University in Switzerland. He produces The Psychology of Attractiveness Podcast.

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My hubby's wandering eye

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Hi!! I'm new here. I've been checking these forums for awhile, looking for advice on several different matters. I just have one question right now ... what exactly is going on through men's heads when staring at other women? My hubby seems to have such a wandering eye and it makes me feel so insecure at times. We have a wonderful marriage. He is a very committed husband who bends over backwards to make me and the kids happy but I can't seem to shake this jealousy. I feel it may be due to the fact we've had troubles in our sex life since we got married. At times, not having sex for months at a time. We found out his ED was most likely due to his recent diagnosis of Diabetes but it really did seem to damage my self esteem in the meantime. Him not desiring intimacy with me but still seemingly longing for other women. He is Police Officer so he has so many interactions with all types of women everyday. I know this is probably all dramatically over exaggerated in my own head but I would just like to know from a man's perspective, what men are thinking.... and from other ladies feeling how I am and how you get past it. I'd also love input and tips from all you confident ladies and how you don't let insecurities get the best of you. Thanks.  

PrettyOptimistic said: I'd also love input and tips from all you confident ladies and how you don't let insecurities get the best of you. Thanks. Click to expand...

You're possibly going to be told that it's just because "men are more visual," but as a very visual woman, I don't believe this is the case. We all look at members of the opposite sex, but women tend to do it more discreetly. If your H is doing this in a very open manner, talk to him about it and tell him how you feel. No matter how understanding and supportive we may be regarding ED, I'm afraid it does affect a woman's self-esteem (the same as it affects a man's, of course), and your H needs to be made aware of how his wandering eye makes you feel.  

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Thank you for that reassurance. I will try to remember that more.  

Thank you all!! I sometimes feel so alone about this. I do turn it back on myself and then the problem gets worse in my own head. I do feel it to be so disrespectful. I have talked with him about this over and over but it just seems to make him do it more discreetly. It is the main cause of our fights. He has given me every excuse in the book for why he does it and usually denies or says he didn't realize he was doing it. I know we all look at times but the oogling and staring is what really hurts. I'm not sure what to do. It's not worthy of leaving someone over, when everything else is so good, but I am tired of the depression it can put me into some days.  

I'm probably going to sound harsh on this subject, but I had this problem with my husband before we got married. He would stare so hard, that one time, the boyfriend/husband of the other woman came over and asked him if he needed something...I tried talking to him seriously, confronting him in a teasing way, ignoring it, noticing cute guys, and all the other advice we read about how to handle this, and nothing seemed to work. Finally, I resorted to the drastic treatment. EVERY time I caught his eye wandering (you have to watch carefully), I BLEW UP. First I would call his attention to it right then - loudly, and then once we got in the car, or away from most people, I really let him have it -- tears, shouting, etc. I told him it was utterly disgraceful, disrespectful, immature, and if it didn't stop, I was done with him. I made him leave a store and drive me home once, and walked out of an event another time. I am NEVER one to make a scene and very rarely raise my voice, but in this case, I felt it called for EXTREME action on my part. I only had to do that about three times, and SUDDENLY, he didn't do it anymore. He is VERY careful where he puts his eyes. I still watch him sometimes when there is a hottie around, and catch his eye if I can, so he knows I'm aware, but he does nothing more than a quick glance, which is human nature. There is NO reason a man should EVER treat his woman that disrespectfully. As I told my husband, "do it on your own time!!! But when you are with me, your eyes should be on me only because you are very lucky I am on your arm." Others may disagree, but this drastic behavior worked for me and shut down the issue quickly.  

OP, mine used to do it, too, and I used to pretend not to notice. One night, though, his ogling caused the woman he was ogling to become visibly self-conscious and as uncomfortable as it was making me, and I had it out with him (in private) in no uncertain terms. I told him he was being rude and disrespectful, and if he wanted to ogle other women, he was best doing it alone - not with me as his audience! To give him credit, that was about 6 months ago and he hasn't done it since.  

THAT is exactly what I am talking about ... I've hated when other's have done it to me and have felt sorry for the women they are with. I feel like some of the women he stares at are loving the attention and disrespecting me, as well. that's awesome he took your feelings to heart and is doing so well. I wish we could get to that point. I've been dealing with this for years.  

Well, we've actually had some pretty harsh words about the subject. Alot of crying and emotion. That is why I can't understand why he still does it? He has gotten so much better about it but I still see him looking and "thinking" (if that makes sense) at times. I guess that's why I'm questioning what men are actually thinking? Is it not a big deal (because i see him actively trying) or do I keep bring it up? I feel like such a b*tch about it but I cannot help the way I feel.  

If he's "glancing" somewhat discreetly but not staring or ogling, then he is actually refraining out of respect for you. Let him glance, perhaps even a quick second glance, and use it as an assurance that he still has a sex drive - which is a critically important in a long term relationship. If he is openly staring, slack-jawed, unable to bring his focus back to you or is flirting, then it is very disrespectful and you need to find a way to enforce some boundaries. (there was a discussion about this very topic in the last couple weeks here with some useful ideas how to do that) Also let me warn you - I used to be of the kind that would glance discreetly and I accepted the blame for my ex W's insecurities so I stopped looking and even looked away - I got conditioned into shutting off my sexual appetite, and I think it was a large part of the reason my marriage became sexless and ended after her infidelity. Thing is she was insecure about it yet the guys she went after for her affairs were specifically the kind that would ogle, stare and flirt with her, and I'm sure have no problem continuing to do so at other women even with her. So just be careful what you are really asking for, and have trust that your H is a committed man who is loyal to you and shares your bed every night - if you want to strengthen the bond then rock his world.  

I agree with you totally on the glancing. It is human nature to notice beauty. In fact, I've made comments on other women to him, myself, at times ... and he has made alot of progress over our marriage. I guess, sometimes his sex drive feels more driven towards others and not me. I really need to take a glance at the threads you are writing about. I am looking for tools to handle my situation. I would hate to become a bitter wife. I really appreciate your advice on your situation. I am very afraid of turning off his sexual appetite. I'm trying desperately to find a balance. This whole issue has taken such a toll on my self esteem and I find myself giving up on my appearance because of it ... making things worse. I have tried reving things up in the bedroom but end up feeling rejected and making the situation worse. I've stopped trying because of the humiliation. Can you tell me, is my imagination when he is staring probably worse than what his mind is actually thinking?  

He's got performance issues so it's safer to look at a stranger than to actually do something with his wife. You see dogs chase cars but that doesn't mean they can drive.  

PO, not sure how bad his staring is, I do not know him or the situations. I am sorry this is hurting your self esteem, I hope you two can work this out together. I would be concerned that if you are letting your appearance slide as a passive way of punishing him your your unhappiness and resentment, it will surely kill the attraction and is detrimental to the relationship so I'd recommend stop relying on your H's behavior to validate your own self-esteem, and start trying to focus on all the good qualities you each bring into the relationship. Separate your dependence on him for your emotional well being and perhaps when that is lifted from him he will be able to identify hie own issues in the marriage.  

That advice is very valuable to me. Thank you. I will try to remind myself of this from now on.  

I know what would cure him! Next time Mr. Weakwillie stares at some hot 20 year old, walk over to her, gesture to your husband and tell her "My husband wanted to talk to you." This works even better if the 20 year old is accompanied by a really huge biker. Assuming he survives that encounter, he would prefer to die than eyeball the next woman. Or, you could simply give him a taste of his own medicine and stare at men's packages, of course, making highly inappropriate comments. As hubby is a little vulnerable in this area, I expect he'd get the hint pretty quick.  

Whatever you do, OP, continue to pay special attention to your appearance. Not for the benefit of your H, but for your own self-esteem. Knowing you look is a great boost to any woman's confidence! I would certainly call him on it next time he goes into ogle mode. There's a definite difference between a glance of appreciation and an ogle.  

I understand your feelings about a "husband with wandering eyes". It DOES start to eat away at your self esteem and you end up feeling like some jealous, old hag of a housewife (OK, maybe I'm projecting... that's how 'I' felt). My first ex husband was a big time ogler of women. It's really embarrassing to have him meet your girl friends from work and then later hear them talking about how "creepy" he was. I think you've gotten great advice on how to take care of YOU and maybe find a way to make the point with him in a big way. Thinking of you.  

Oops! Well, my secondary point still stands...How do those conversations go?  

OP, IMO, noticing attractive members of the opposite sex whilst in the company of a partner / spouse can be likened to driving the car of our dreams, which we wouldn't exchange for the world, but still taking a peek at other snazzy cars as they pass by. It's when that glance of appreciation becomes a rubber-necking ogle that we are in danger of damaging what we have... You've discussed your feelings of discomfort and disrespect with your H, but he has chosen to ignore you, so you have to deal with it yourself. The way I tackled the problem was by telling my partner that disrespect makes me feel uncomfortable, and when I feel uncomfortable I have the right to remove myself from the situation. I calmly told him that should this behaviour continue, I shall in future remove myself from his company and leave him to ogle to his heart's content. It wasn't an idle threat, because had he done it again I had every intention of picking up my bag and, without fuss or explanation, finding my own way home. Fortunately, I never had to do this and the problem is now resolved. It isn't a case of trying to control someone else, it's more a case of taking control of what we will and will not tolerate from others. In this case, disrespect. We cannot change others, but we can change our reaction to them...  

Cosmos said: You've discussed your feelings of discomfort and disrespect with your H, but he has chosen to ignore you, so you have to deal with it yourself. The way I tackled the problem was by telling my partner that disrespect makes me feel uncomfortable, and when I feel uncomfortable I have the right to remove myself from the situation. I calmly told him that should this behaviour continue, I shall in future remove myself from his company and leave him to ogle to his heart's content. It wasn't an idle threat, because had he done it again I had every intention of picking up my bag and, without fuss or explanation, finding my own way home. Fortunately, I never had to do this and the problem is now resolved. It isn't a case of trying to control someone else, it's more a case of taking control of what we will and will not tolerate from others. In this case, disrespect. We cannot change others, but we can change our reaction to them... Click to expand...

I apologize, I don't think that word did come up. I think I may have mistaken it from the word "embarrassment". I'm sorry. I agree, I'd just like to get my point across. I've obviously not succeeded with my approach, so far.  

I hear this about the "wandering eye" a lot, and lately it's usually been about some bigger underlying issue. Worry about the bigger issue, not the wandering eye bit. What good is fixing a broken window if the foundation of the house is collapsing? I think you guys are both going to have to work hard on communicating more productively if that's such a chore. (Obviously you can't control his end, just yours.) If want specific advice feel free to PM. And what's all this about a girl on a "break?" Is one of you holding on to something from years ago? That needs to be fleshed out...very unproductive to not fully experience emotions and have acceptance/peace with the past...or else you are just stuck there. Cheers.  

OP, I think you've explained your situation very well. Unfortunately, there are some who think that this sort of reaction in a woman automatically originates from a general lack of self-esteem and inherent insecurity (which, of course, it can), but I don't believe that this is the case with you, any more than it was with me. My reaction wasn't out of jealousy - simply humiliation at being so blatantly disrespected. Just to be clear, I wasn't for one minute suggesting you remove yourself from your marriage, and this wasn't what I meant when I talked about "removing" myself to my partner. It was a definite message, however, that I would remove myself from any situation where he disrespected me by ogling. Somehow or other your H is going to have to realise for himself how hurtful his behaviour is (just try to avoid arguing with him about it, if you can), but in the meanwhile I'd concentrate on some personal TLC and lots of pampering!  

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• Letter to My Husband About His Wandering Eyes

Are you struggling with your husband's wandering eyes? In this article, we will explore the emotions and thoughts behind writing a heartfelt letter to a husband who has a wandering eye. Whether it's a one-time occurrence or a recurring issue, addressing this delicate topic through a heartfelt letter can be a powerful way to communicate your feelings and concerns. Join us as we delve into the complexities of navigating a marriage where one partner is drawn to other women, and discover how a carefully crafted letter can open up the lines of communication and lead to a deeper understanding between spouses.

What does 1 Corinthians 7:14 mean?

The meaning of 1 Corinthians 7:14 is that a non-believing spouse can be accepted by God if they are married to a believing spouse. This verse emphasizes the importance of unity and faith within a marriage, regardless of the beliefs of each individual. It highlights the idea that a believing spouse can have a positive influence on their non-believing partner, and that their relationship can still be recognized and blessed by God.

This verse offers hope and encouragement to couples where one partner may not share the same faith. It reassures them that their marriage is still valued and recognized by God, as long as there is love, respect, and unity within the relationship. It also serves as a reminder that faith can be a powerful and transformative force within a marriage, and that it has the potential to bring both partners closer to God.

Overall, 1 Corinthians 7:14 highlights the inclusive and accepting nature of God, and the importance of faith and unity within a marriage. It offers a message of hope and encouragement to couples facing religious differences, reminding them that their love and commitment to each other is still valued and recognized by God.

Can one remarry after getting a divorce according to the Bible?

According to the Bible, the question of whether one can remarry after divorce is a complex and debated topic. It is our conviction, based on the clear teachings of Jesus, that remarriage is not permitted in the case of a non-biblical divorce due to the continued bonds of marriage in the eyes of God. This belief is rooted in a deep understanding of Biblical principles and a commitment to honoring the sanctity of marriage.

While the issue of remarriage after divorce is a sensitive one, our stance is firm in its foundation on the teachings of Jesus and the principles outlined in the Bible. We believe that it is important to approach this topic with respect and reverence, acknowledging the complexity of the issue and the impact it has on individuals. Our commitment to upholding the teachings of the Bible guides our understanding of marriage and divorce, and we seek to provide support and guidance to those navigating this challenging aspect of their faith.

What does 1 Corinthians 7:15 mean?

In 1 Corinthians 7:15, the verse is addressing the situation where a non-believing spouse chooses to leave the marriage. The message is clear that if the unbelieving spouse decides to separate, then the believer is not bound to keep the marriage together. The emphasis is on living in peace, as God has called us to do, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. This verse encourages believers to prioritize peace and harmony, even when faced with the challenges of a mixed-faith marriage.

Confronting the Struggle: A Wife's Honest Letter About Her Husband's Wandering Eyes

It's not easy to confront the struggle of dealing with a husband's wandering eyes. As a wife, I have felt the pain and betrayal that comes with realizing that my husband's attention was not solely on me. It's a difficult conversation to have, but one that must be addressed with honesty and openness in order to move forward.

In my honest letter, I want to acknowledge the pain and turmoil that comes with confronting a spouse's wandering eyes. It's a raw and heartfelt account of the emotions and challenges that come with this struggle, but also a testament to the strength and resilience it takes to address and overcome it. I hope that my words can offer comfort and understanding to others who may be going through a similar experience, and serve as a reminder that open and honest communication is crucial in navigating the complexities of a relationship.

Navigating the Heartache: A Wife's Brave Words to Her Husband on His Wandering Eyes

My dearest husband, as I navigate the heartache of your wandering eyes, I am reminded of the vows we took to cherish and honor each other. It takes bravery to confront the pain and betrayal that comes with infidelity, but I will not let it consume me. Instead, I choose to stand strong and remind you of the love and commitment we once shared, and urge you to find the courage to recommit to our marriage. We can navigate this heartache together, but it will require honesty, accountability, and a willingness to heal.

Reclaiming Trust: A Wife's Open Letter to Her Husband About His Wandering Eyes

Dear husband, as I write this letter, I want you to know that I am reclaiming my trust in you. Your wandering eyes have caused me pain and insecurity, but I am choosing to believe in the strength of our relationship. I am asking you to be mindful of your gaze and to respect our commitment to each other.

I understand that temptation is a part of life, but I am asking you to prioritize our marriage above all else. Your wandering eyes have made me feel unseen and unvalued, and I need you to understand the impact of your actions. I am reclaiming my trust in you, but I need your unwavering commitment to our marriage in return.

I believe in the power of forgiveness and growth, and I am hopeful that we can move past this together. Let's work on rebuilding the trust and respect that our marriage deserves. I am choosing to trust in your love for me, and I hope that you will honor that trust by being mindful of your actions.

In conclusion, writing a heartfelt letter to my husband about his wandering eyes has allowed me to express my feelings and concerns in a constructive and loving way. It is my hope that through this letter, we can open up a dialogue about our relationship and work towards a stronger and more faithful bond. I believe that with honesty, understanding, and commitment, we can overcome this obstacle and grow even closer as a couple. I am optimistic about our future together and look forward to the positive changes that this conversation will bring.

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Stray Dog with Fur Matted 'So Bad' That Rescuers Couldn't Tell If He 'Had Two Eyes' Gets Makeover

"If he can make it through what he’s been through for who knows how long, this is going to be nothing for him," one of the dog's rescuers said of the pet's recovery

Animal Angels Rescue Foundation 

A dog found wandering the streets of Las Vegas with a cumbersome, matted coat and numerous health conditions looks and feels like a totally different dog after some much-needed TLC.

Animal Angels Rescue Foundation (AARF) shared in a post on Facebook on Mar. 19 that someone in their community reached out to the nonprofit about a stray dog needing help in the Las Vegas area. AARF responded to the report and found a dog with a filthy coat and matting "so bad" the rescue wasn't sure if the canine "even had two eyes."

In its post, AARF shared photos of how rescuers found the neglected dog and mentioned that the pup's physical condition was "one of the worst cases" the nonprofit had seen.

Because the dog's fur was so tangled and thick, AARF could not tell the dog's sex when they picked the pup up from the street. Due to this uncertainty, the dog was named Blythe. Once AARF took the dog to the vet and had the pet's matted coat removed, the rescue determined that Blythe was a male. The veterinarian also discovered several health issues.

"He was severely dehydrated, and from eating stones, and rock, and dirt, he ground down his teeth, so he has a lot of exposed nerves and roots," Animal Angels Rescue Foundation member Reegan Tabor told KLAS-TV of Blythe.

At the veterinarian, Blythe was evaluated, given fluids to address his dehydration, medically shaved and bathed, and had his nails trimmed. After receiving these initial treatments, Blythe looked like a new dog: clean, smiling, and energetic.

"Immediately, he felt better. After all, carrying all those heavy mats was tiresome, and they hurt," AARF wrote in a Facebook update about the "sweet, very happy dog," adding that the pet weighed 15 pounds and is believed to be about 2 years old.

However, Tabor told KLAS-TV that the poodle mix is still in for a long recovery.

"He's very itchy, and he has sores all over him, " Tabor said about his case. 

"Within recent months, he's the third I've seen in this situation, and it's very unfortunate. The things we've seen[ are] absolutely heartbreaking," she added.

The next steps in Blythe's recovery are getting neutered and extensive dental surgery, according to AARF's update post. The pup is also taking antibiotics to treat an infection caused by trying to urinate through his matted fur.

"If he can make it through what he's been through for who knows how long, this is going to be nothing for him," Tabor told KLAS-TV about the procedures.

In the Thursday social media update on Blythe, AARF shared new photos of the dog, with his short fur, looking happy as he played around the home of the foster who took him in.

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"We are so very proud of him and how he is adjusting after all he's been through. The resilience of a dog!" the organization wrote. "He was a little scared and confused leaving the vet today, but once he went into his foster's home and met the other dogs and kids, that smile on his face is permanent."

The foundation noted that Blythe should be available for adoption "soon."

To learn more about AARF and support the foundation's work, visit the rescue's website .

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Wandering Stars by Tommy Orange review – tapestry of colonial trauma is harrowing yet healing

Survivors’ stories provide gritty testament to the moral confusion of life in the aftermath of atrocity in the Pulitzer-nominated Native American’s eye-opening second novel

T ommy Orange , a Californian of Cheyenne and Arapaho descent, has previously spoken of his desire to write fiction about Native Americans living in the here and now , not a romanticised past. As one character in his new novel has it: “Everyone only thinks we’re from the past, but then we’re here, but they don’t know we’re still here, so… it’s like we’re in the future. Like time travellers would feel.”

Orange’s debut, There There , unspooled as oral testimony following a dozen Native and mixed-race protagonists ahead of a powwow violently disrupted by a troubled addict with a 3D-printed pistol. His compact but capacious new novel – another polyvocal panorama, both prequel and sequel – describes the attack’s aftermath from the point of view of its college-age victim, Orvil Red Feather, but not before chronicling six generations of his bloodline, beginning with his great-great-great-great-grandfather, Jude Star, a boyhood survivor of the 1864 Sand Creek massacre of Cheyenne and Arapaho villagers, approved by Theodore Roosevelt “in spite of certain most objectionable details”, an epigraph tells us.

The shard of bullet stuck in Orvil’s body, painful yet too dangerous to remove, attains symbolic aura as the novel weaves a tapestry of trauma down the decades. These are survivors’ stories shadowed by violence both physical and psychological – extermination, assimilation – but while the novel is unambiguous about colonial atrocity, it’s equally insistent on the moral confusion of life in the aftermath. Pressure to make ends meet and the desperation of addiction, fed over the book’s century-and-a-half span by everything from looted whisky to home-concocted narcotics, are recurring themes. The drama often turns on ill-starred characters playing bad hands badly, a mark of Orange’s many-sided intent; Jude’s segment ends as he’s turning gunman himself, the grim end to a life forged out of erasure.

Narrative heft accumulates less through individual stories than through the sum of these experiences. Whether seamstress, stick-up man or cab driver, no one character hogs the mic, as Orange generates momentum by omission. Love interests come and go in paragraphs; someone’s friend, made in rehab, dies by the next page. Orange portrays the Native American occupation of Alcatraz island in 1969, and at one point inhabits the perspective of soldier turned teacher Richard Henry Pratt as he pursues his aggressively assimilationist policy of “kill the Indian, save the man” at the boarding school he opened in 1879; but he also writes about Street Fighter II , online messaging and an underground rave.

Structurally indirect, the novel is also blunt when it needs to be, as when we’re told that one character, in utero at the moment of narration, will learn her heritage after her adoptive mother dies: “You will… take in what it means to be the children and grandchildren of massacre. You will understand another form of inheritance then. Feel it.” There’s an exchange about the appropriateness or otherwise of the term “Indian”, and Orange lets his book’s ethical imperative be stated more or less baldly when one of his characters thinks: “It would be nice if the rest of the country understood that not all of us have our culture or language intact directly because of what happened to our people, how we were systematically wiped out from the outside in and then the inside out, and consistently dehumanised and misrepresented in the media and in educational institutions.”

You sense Orange feels on safest ground as a scene-maker in the segments that draw near the present day, when zingy dialogue starts shaping the action, buoyed up by the bickering of console-playing brothers buffeted by bereavement and bad luck. Ultimately the turns their stories take – one becomes a self-harming runaway, another crashes a borrowed car while high – are about healing, not catastrophe; the same might be said of Wandering Stars , unlikely though it seems in the most harrowing moments of a novel marrying eye-opening historical re-creation with gritty social realism.

• The Observer
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