live on carnival cruise ship

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How to retire on a carnival cruise ship.

If I had a dollar for every time someone posted a news article featuring some octogenarian retiring on a cruise ship, I’d be half way to my goal by now! Claims that cruise ship retirement is cheaper than an assisted care facility make their rounds on Twitter and Facebook, but have you ever really wondered, “How much would it take to retire on a cruise ship today?”

The honest answer: It depends. In the past seven years sailing Carnival, my average daily rate is under $100 a day on cruise fare, taxes, and port fees for an inside cabin. We might also do an excursion or two across a week or lunch and drinks in port which adds in about $25/day in extra cost.

So, for a Carnival cruise, I spend about $125/day.

Three additional costs to factor in:

• Drinks. Now, we’re not big drinkers, so we usually just stick to the 12-pack of soda and wine we are each allowed to carry on board. Broken down daily, it adds another $5.
• Laundry service. Laundry onboard a cruise ship can get quite expensive if you have the line wash your clothes at $15 a bag. Or, you could spend $2.50 for the onboard washer and dryer (if one exists) and take care of that yourself. As a Diamond member in Carnival’s VIFP Loyalty Program, that’s one expense I never have to worry about as they take care of the laundry for me (Platinum members get 3 bags/week which we always found plenty). And, if you plan to spend that much time on a cruise ship, you’ll be at top tier status where they take care of laundry for you before you know it!
• Gratuities. The tips for your crew can add up quickly, and they very based on stateroom type you book. At $13.99/day for a standard room, you’re looking at another $97.93/week. But, you can offset that cost by simply purchasing 100 shares of Carnival stock. As a shareholder, Carnival provides you a Shareholder Benefit of $100 for every 7-day sailing ($250 for 14 days or longer). For my last 31 cruises, Carnival has picked up a large portion of my gratuities with onboard credit.

So, if you’re tracking with me, we’re up to about $130/day for transportation (including taxes and fees), lodging, meals, activities, soda and wine, laundry, and gratuities. Just doing some simple math across 365 days in a year, and you’d be looking at just about $47,450. Assuming double occupancy, that’s $94,900/year.

Of course, anyone who has booked a Christmas cruise or a New Years Eve sailing knows that the average cost/day jumps significantly during those times of the year. Additionally, the summer months (which I’ll sail for the first time in 2022), also carry a premium fare. So you’re likely to add a couple thousand dollars to that total.

What’s still not included in the above numbers – and could prove to be a deal breaker for some – is healthcare/insurance. Medicare doesn’t typically cover you when you’re outside of the US and so you’d need supplementary health and travel insurance. Depending on your factors, this could easily run in the thousands of dollars.

For fun, let’s say that the premium rate for Christmas, New Years, and summertime sailing adds an average of another $20/day to the daily rate mentioned above. And let’s plan medical/insurance at $8,000/year (or $22/day). That would bring the $130/day average to $172/day or $62,780. Multiplied by two, you’re looking at a double occupancy cost of $125,560 to sail on a Carnival ship for an entire year.

While that’s not chump change, according to Paying for Senior Care , the average daily cost of a nursing home in the United States is $245/day or $89,425/year (that’s $178,850 for two people). So, all of those claims and articles that it might be less expensive to retire on a cruise ship, could indeed be true – but that’s followed by a lot of asterisks and fine print.

Asterisks and fine print: If you’d like to move from that interior room to a balcony, your daily rate increases significantly. Similarly, if you decide you’d rather retire on Carnival Corp sister brand Princess Cruises instead of Carnival, your daily cost could easily triple!

Let’s say you’re fine with the standard interior on a Carnival cruise ship. And your expenses roughly match those listed above. The final thing you need to determine is how many years you plan to live on a ship. The below table provides you insight into what your nest egg would need to look like to make that happen (total cost for two people):

Note: Table figures do not account for inflation or other costs that may arise (e.g., a pandemic that shuts down the industry for 18 months!)

Moral of that story: Depending on how long you plan to live on a cruise ship, you’re going to need a pretty nice nest egg. Especially considering those numbers don’t take into account inflation and other costs you may have outside of the cruise ship (condo, mailing address, cell phone, etc.).

While the thought of being at sea every day is an attractive one, a more reasonable financial goal might be half-time at sea, half-time on land. This could allow you to stretch your retirement savings much further and more likely achieve your dream of living at sea.

Disclaimer: This article is purely for fun and fantasy. No claims are being made and you should consult your own financial and tax advisors as you plan for your retirement.

3 thoughts on “How to Retire on a Carnival Cruise Ship”

• Pingback: Retirement on a cruise ship; what would it actu...

Great article! I just have one question. Are you booking these cruises week by week, or cruise by cruise, and paying in advance for them, or is there away to book through, say 6 months or a year and pay monthly? I pay over a period of about 8 months for a 2 week cruise so I’m wondering how you started out. Thanks!

Thanks for the note! For the article, I used an average price across my previous bookings to come up with my calculation of $100/day. These would have all been booked on a week-by-week basis. However, in theory, you should be able to get the average price point down a little bit if you were to cruise full time and you could book longer cruises as these generally have a lower per-day price point (e.g., the Carnival Ecstasy 10-day out of Mobile this September has an $85/person/day price point). In terms of paying over time, Carnival attempts to make that easier with their EasyPay option. It’s not a financing option, but rather, a charge-your-card-monthly option to allow folks to pay over time. There are no interest charges which makes this an attractive option (I’ve not used it, so I can’t speak to it from first-hand experience).

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Carnival's HUB App offers an at-a-glance overview of the day’s events, including activity and entertainment options, dining choices, children’s programming and more.  The following entertainment and activities are offered fleet wide, unless otherwise noted. Parties  |  Full Gambling Casino |  Shows and Entertainment |  Youth Programs |  Sports |  Spa Carnival and Cloud 9 Spa |  Fun and Games with the Cruise Director and Social Staff |  Instructive Talks, Demonstrations and Classes |  Mixers and Meetings  |  Onboard Facilities Parties

• Sail Away Party : Following the Safety Briefing and as the ship sets sail, guests gather at midship Lido Deck where the cruise staff and DJ get the party started with music, dancing and drink specials.
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• 80s Night Deck Party : A high energy, fun and unique '80s themed party showcasing our exciting musical offerings. This party is featured on cruises six days and longer; shorter cruises will feature the 80s Night Deck Party or the Mega Deck Party.  
• White Hot Night Party : The fun on a Carnival cruise may start at sunrise, but that doesn’t mean it comes to an end when the sun goes down. So when packing for your cruise, bring your favorite, most fun… even quirkiest white clothing and matching accessories for an amazing night of dancing, giveaways and fun. This party is featured on select sailings. 

Full Gambling Casino

• Gaming: Blackjack , Dice/Craps, Roulette , Texas Hold ‘Em (electronic dealer), Caribbean Stud Poker, Three Card Poker and Let it Ride ,  Slots  
• Casino Tournaments : Blackjack, slots and poker tournaments for cash prizes

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• Turtles Program - for infants, 6 months to under 2 - coming soon!
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Sports and Outdoor Fun Please note: Some facilities may not be available on every ship - check here to see what is on your cruise!

• Ping Pong (on all ships, excluding Mardi Gras)
• Volleyball  (select ships) 
• Basketball  (select ships)
• Pickle Ball (select ships) 
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• Ropes Course  (select ships) 
• SkyRide®  (on Carnival Horizon, Carnival Panorama and Carnival Vista)   
• BOLT® Ultimate Sea Coaster (on Carnival Celebration, Carnival Jubilee and Mardi Gras)
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• Body Conditioning, Stretch, Abs, Tai Chi, Yoga, Pilates and Cycle Class 

Fun and Games with the Cruise Director and Social Staff Please note: Games vary and are up to the discretion of the ship’s Cruise Director and Social Staff

• Family Feud™ Live (on select ships)
• Deal or No Deal  ™ (on all ships, excluding Carnival Luminosa)
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Instructive Talks – Demonstrations - Classes

• Fun Aboard, Fun Ashore  
• Ice Carving Demonstrations 
• Dance classes : Pick up some moves and learn to dance like a professional. 
• Carnival Kitchen : (on Carnival Celebration, Carnival Jubilee, Mardi Gras, Carnival Panorama): Guests can enjoy more than 15 onboard hands-on culinary experiences led by our talented chefs.
• Cooking Demonstration  (on select Carnival Journeys sailings): Learn to cook Steakhouse-style from our team of chefs as they demonstrate the tricks of the trade used to make those multi-course dinners that everyone loves. This is an hour-long presentation of kitchen skill and ingenuity - and taste tests are included. 
• Food and Wine Pairing: Learn how to match great wines with great food and enjoy as well; informative talk by our onboard Sommelier.
• Art Auction Program at Sea  (select ships) 
• ‘Groove for St. Jude’ : A fun dance activity held once each cruise that allows guests to make a $10 USD donation and groove to the music. Guests receive a ‘Care to Play’ tee shirt and wristband and the proceeds go directly to St. Jude Children’s Research Medical Research Hospital.
• Creativity at Sea: Complimentary, self-lead painting and craft experience (may be offered on select itineraries, scheduling permitted)
• Coloring at Sea: An opportunity for our guests to relax and unwind with this simple and fun activity (scheduling permitted).

Mixers and Meetings

• Friends of Bill W (Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting)
• Friends of Jimmy K (Narcotics Anonymous Meeting) 
• LGBTQ Mixer
• Singles Mixer (18-20, 40+, Independent Travelers)
• Card Players meet and play
• Military Appreciation Gathering
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Onboard Facilities

• Video Arcade   
• On Board Duty-Free Shopping   
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The ultimate guide to Carnival Cruise Line ships and itineraries

If the United States has a national cruise line, it's Carnival .

The self-described "fun ship" line is the king of short, affordable, fun-focused cruises from U.S. ports to the Caribbean, Bahamas, Mexico and other nearby destinations. No matter where you live in the U.S., you're probably within a few hours of a Carnival ship.

Where you won't find Carnival ships, notably, is in Asia, South America or, for the most part, Europe. Unlike other big cruise brands such as Royal Caribbean , Norwegian Cruise Line and Princess Cruises , Carnival doesn't spread its vessels around the world to draw a fly-in crowd. Aimed squarely at Americans, its trips are all about cruising close to home at a reasonable price.

For more cruise guides, news and tips, sign up for TPG's cruise newsletter .

Indeed, if you're going on a Carnival cruise , the odds are you're driving to the ship, not flying, and you're probably not paying much more than you would for a trip to a local beach town.

You're also not going for anything too highbrow. Carnival ships are all about fun in a very laid-back, unpretentious, nothing-too-fancy sort of way.

Entertainment, at times, is as lowbrow as the line is low-cost. This is, after all, the brand that for many years held a Hairy Chest Contest around the pool deck on every voyage, to a standing-room-only, hooting and hollering crowd.

The fun comes in many ways, though. While Carnival's ships for the most part aren't quite as big as the giant ships operated by Royal Caribbean and Norwegian, they're packed with a wide range of fun features, from waterparks with multiple waterslides to cooking classrooms where you can learn how to make the line's signature chocolate melting cake.

Related: A beginner's guide to picking a cruise line

3 things TPG loves about Carnival

• The "fun" focus that oozes into everything.
• The food (really — see below).
• The kids' programs.

What we could do without

• The smoke in the casino.

The Carnival Cruise Line fleet

Carnival is one of the world's biggest cruise lines by passenger capacity, with 25 ships that together offer nearly 80,000 berths.

In general, these are big ships. However, with two exceptions, they're not giants by today's standards.

Carnival has just begun operating its first truly giant ships in years, the 181,808-ton, 5,282-passenger Mardi Gras and the 183,521-ton, 5,374-passenger Carnival Celebration . However, the line's next-biggest vessel, the 4,090-passenger Carnival Venezia , measures just 135,225 tons. That's about 40% smaller than the biggest ships operated by Royal Caribbean .

Seven of the line's 25 vessels measure less than 100,000 tons, which makes them almost midsize by today's cruise ship standards.

Related: Every Carnival ship ranked from biggest to smallest

This is a notable change for the brand from just a couple of decades ago. There was a time when Carnival operated some of the biggest cruise ships in the world.

However, for many years it chose not to follow rivals such as Royal Caribbean and MSC Cruises in building ever-bigger ships . Mardi Gras and Carnival Celebration are now the only Carnival ship on the list of the 50 biggest cruise ships.

The arrival of Mardi Gras and Carnival Celebration over the past two years has marked a major turning point for the line. At around 180,000 tons, they rank at No. 15 and No. 13, respectively, among the world's largest cruise ships — the only Carnival ships to crack the Top 20. They are roughly 35% bigger than the line's next-biggest ship. One more ship in the series — Carnival Jubilee — will arrive in December 2023.

The 25 Carnival ships currently in operation can be broken down into eight classes: Fantasy, Spirit, Conquest, Splendor, Dream, Sunshine, Vista/Venezia and Excel. Many of those classes have a lot in common. Unlike Royal Caribbean, Carnival doesn't always drastically change the design of its ships from class to class.

Note that the Carnival fleet is scheduled to grow over the next year with two more new vessels. As noted above, the line has ordered another sister vessel to Mardi Gras and Carnival Celebration that will be ready to sail in late 2023.

In addition, the line in 2024 will begin operating a ship in the fleet of its sister line Costa Cruises : Costa Firenze. It'll sail from Los Angeles.

Related: The 8 classes of Carnival ships, explained

Destinations and itineraries

Carnival is all about cruises from U.S. ports. You'll find at least one of its ships sailing out of pretty much every major port city around the country. It's rare to find them based anywhere else.

Carnival's biggest operations are out of PortMiami and Port Canaveral in Florida; Galveston, Texas; Long Beach, California; and New Orleans — all major cruise hubs. You'll also find Carnival ships in such secondary cruise ship ports as Baltimore; Charleston, South Carolina; Mobile, Alabama; and Jacksonville, Florida.

The overarching idea for Carnival's ship deployments is that a large percentage of the U.S. population can reach one of the line's ships by car, saving the cost of flights.

For the most part, Carnival ships sail relatively short voyages of three to eight nights.

Carnival vessels based on the East Coast and along the Gulf of Mexico mostly sail to the Caribbean and Bahamas. Some East Coast ships also head to Bermuda, New England and Canada. On the West Coast, sailings to Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska are the norm.

Carnival also offers some Panama Canal voyages.

Occasionally, Carnival will deploy a ship to Europe for a few weeks or months. This often takes place when a vessel needs to go to a European shipyard for an overhaul.

In recent years, Carnival also has deployed two of its vessels to Australia to operate voyages from Sydney and Brisbane. In a departure from Carnival's American-focused business model, the Australia sailings are aimed mostly at the local Australian market, though they are open to American travelers.

Related: The 5 best destinations you can visit on a Carnival cruise

Who sails Carnival Cruise Line

Carnival is the undisputed leader among North America-based cruise brands when it comes to affordability, which makes it popular with vacationers on a budget.

It's also popular with a fun-seeking crowd. Carnival trips are all about letting loose and having a good time. Maybe you'll drink a little too much, eat a little too much, play a little too much — but in the end, you'll say it was your best trip ever.

At one level, Carnival can best be described as a working man's or working woman's vacation. The typical Carnival customer is a teacher, a nurse, a firefighter, a contractor or the like, either still working or retired. This isn't a line for Wall Street bankers or white-shoe lawyers.

Carnival also is huge with families. The "fun" is for all ages, from 2-year-olds to retirees.

Still, it's just as much psychographics as demographics that define the typical Carnival customer. Carnival executives have often used the word "spirited" to describe the people who are drawn to the line, and that's as good a word as any.

Carnival draws a lively, outgoing crowd looking to be part of the action. The typical Carnival customer is the sort of person who shoots up a hand when an entertainer asks for a volunteer to come on stage or jumps up to dance during midmeal music shows in the dining room starring the waiters (yes, on Carnival, this is a thing).

Cabins and suites

Unlike some of its biggest competitors, Carnival isn't known for a huge range of cabin categories on its vessels. The vast majority of the accommodations on Carnival ships fall into one of three broad buckets: windowless inside cabins, oceanview cabins and balcony cabins.

You'll find relatively few suites on Carnival ships. Each of the vessels in Carnival's recent Vista Class series, for instance, offers fewer than 75 suites. Each of the line's earlier Conquest Class ships has around 50 suites. The oldest Fantasy Class vessels have 28 suites and 26 junior suites.

This is in part due to Carnival's focus on affordability. The typical Carnival customer isn't in the market for a super fancy, high-priced suite.

That said, Carnival has seen the success that some of its competitors have had with a bigger range of upscale accommodations, and it's eyeing more suites for future vessels. The new Mardi Gras and Carnival Celebration each have 180 suites — more than twice the number of Carnival's other recent ships.

Mardi Gras and Carnival Celebration have 11 different categories of suites in all, four of which are part of a new premium Excel category of suites that come with extra amenities and access to a new-for-the-line, resort-style enclave at the top of the ship called Loft 19.

Design-wise, Carnival's cabins and suites are fairly basic and comfortable, if not super stylish. Cabins on recently unveiled or overhauled vessels have a soothing palette of creams and blues. Cabinetry in these rooms is a crisp and clean faux wood, and cabin bathrooms are neutral.

Note that Carnival's two oldest ships — those that are part of the 1990s-built Fantasy Class — have relatively few balcony cabins by today's standards. (After retrofitting, several have around 150 balcony cabins, out of a total of more than 1,000 cabins in all.) In part because of this, Carnival has been phasing these ships out of its fleet in recent years.

Related: Everything you want to know about cabins and suites on Carnival ships

Restaurants and dining

Like other big-ship operators, Carnival packs a lot of dining options onto its vessels — some included in the price, some at an extra charge.

Every vessel has two main dining rooms and a casual buffet eatery where meals are included in the fare. The buffet is called the Lido. For dinner in the main dining room, you must sign up for either Your Time dining (you go whenever you want) or Traditional Dining (you have a fixed table and time for dinner).

Other included-in-the-fare options found on most ships include what may be the two best quick-serve poolside dining venues at sea: BlueIguana Cantina and Guy's Burger Joint.

Related: 7 secret Carnival cruise breakfast spots that let you skip the buffet crowds

BlueIguana is a Chipotle-style restaurant, with yummy made-to-order burritos and tacos. Created in partnership with Food Network's Guy Fieri, Guy's Burger Joint offers burgers that beat anything you'll find around the pool on other mass-market ships and even most luxury vessels.

In addition, every ship has at least one — and usually several — extra-charge eateries. The most common ones found across the fleet are Fahrenheit 555, the line's signature steakhouse, and Italian cuisine-serving Cucina del Capitano (if you're a Carnival fan, you know this as the place where waiters sing and dance between courses). The two venues have flat fees of $49 and $24 per person, respectively.

Other extra-charge eateries often found on Carnival vessels include Bonsai, an a la carte sushi restaurant (now on 14 ships), and JiJi Asian Kitchen, which costs $24 per person (now on four ships).

Six of Carnival's newest ships — Carnival Jubilee, Carnival Celebration, Mardi Gras, Carnival Venezia, Carnival Panorama and Carnival Horizon — also have teppanyaki eateries called Bonsai Teppanyaki (priced at a flat $42 per person for dinner; $38 at lunchtime). Most of these six ships (all but Carnival Venezia) have an a la carte barbecue-and-beer joint called Guy's Pig & Anchor Smokehouse Brewhouse, too.

The latter venue was created in partnership with Food Network's Guy Fieri and serves a free lunch on embarkation and sea days, with all items smoked on board.

Guy's Pig & Anchor Smokehouse Brewhouse, notably, has its very own in-house brewery you can see behind glass walls — something still relatively rare on cruise ships. It makes house beers including Parched Pig West Coast IPA and Parched Pig Toasted Amber which you'll find on many Carnival vessels in kegs and cans. Carnival is the only cruise line to keg and can its own beer.

The quality of the food (and drink) on Carnival ships always surprises us, given the budget pricing of the brand. Despite being one of the industry's lowest-cost operators, Carnival manages to pull off one of the best steakhouses at sea in Fahrenheit 555, and even the no-extra-charge main restaurants get the basics right.

In general, the food isn't gourmet. For the price point of the line, it's quite impressive.

Related: The best meals you can have at sea

Entertainment and activities

For the most part, Carnival ships don't have quite as many features on board as Royal Caribbean or Norwegian vessels, in part because they're not as big. They're still packed with a variety of attractions, including multiple entertainment venues, casinos, spas and lots of deck-top fun zones such as water parks and ropes courses.

Theaters and shows

There's seemingly always something playing on a Carnival ship, whether it be a glitzy singing-and-dancing production in the main theater, a comedy show in a secondary lounge, a magical act or a call-you-up-on-stage interactive game show.

Every Carnival ship has one big theater where you'll often find flashy, fast-paced production shows that string together a medley of loosely related tunes. Designed to be quick and digestible, they typically last around 30 minutes and have relatively small casts (just eight on some ships).

In general, the production shows aren't nearly as sophisticated — or as long — as what you'll find on Royal Caribbean or Norwegian ships. But they're lively.

Carnival also uses its big theaters for lots of interactive shows that involve you, the passenger, getting a little silly. They include Lip Sync Battle Carnival — a shipboard adaptation of the Paramount Network TV series — and Hasbro, the Game Show.

With the latter, you can team up with your friends and family to play giant versions of Connect 4 Basketball or Simon Flash in front of a live audience.

Carnival is also well known for the Punchliner Comedy Clubs on its ships, which draw quality comedians and can get a little raucous late at night with adult-only performances.

When it comes to raucous, though, nothing on Carnival ships quite compares to the frequent karaoke nights on board. On Carnival, it's a thing. Sometimes held in a secondary lounge or a shipboard pub, karaoke on Carnival draws a big crowd. Passengers come prepared with rehearsed songs and sometimes even their own guitars.

Insider tip: Get to the comedy shows early to snag a good seat — or any seat at all. These shows on Carnival ships are hugely popular.

Other interior attractions and activities

In addition to entertainment spaces, the interiors of Carnival ships are loaded with other venues where passengers can kick back and let loose day and night, including a wide range of bars, lounges and nightspots.

Every Carnival ship has a casino, usually smack in the middle of the main entertainment deck.

Also, there are always several music venues where you'll find live performers in the afternoons and evenings, including — on some ships — the Atrium Bar and a secondary hub area called Ocean Plaza. There's almost always a piano bar that's home to lively singalongs.

Other popular venues found on some Carnival ships include RedFrog Pub, which serves up Carnival's tasty housemade beers on tap, as well as plenty of other choices.

On one of Carnival's newest ships, Carnival Panorama, there's no RedFrog Pub, but the Smokehouse Brewhouse has a stage that's home to live music nightly and some of the ship's karaoke sessions.

Carnival Panorama also houses Carnival's first cooking classroom. Dubbed Carnival Kitchen, it's located near the ship's main restaurants and is a seriously tricked-out venue complete with nine state-of-the-art, marbled granite cooking stations for two and a dedicated dining area.

Passengers can learn to cook everything from Carnival's classic warm chocolate melting cake to its popular saffron risotto during one- to two-hour classes that cost $30 to $59 per person.

One other new-for-Carnival attraction on Carnival Panorama is the first Sky Zone trampoline park at sea.

Near the ship's tween and teen clubrooms, it has two padded trampoline areas where you can jump around and take part in games like jousting on a balance beam or shooting baskets while bouncing. There's even trampoline dodgeball and, at one end of the room, a climbing wall augmented with interactive game elements.

Deck-top attractions

The top decks of Carnival vessels are covered in family-focused attractions – pools, waterslide areas and bustling fun zones with such draws as ropes courses and miniature golf.

Waterslides, in particular, are a big thing. In fact, when it comes to waterslides on ships, Carnival is the cruise world's king. The line began adding them to vessels way back in 1978. There's now at least one waterslide on all but one ship in the Carnival fleet (Carnival Luminosa) — something no other line can say.

On the vast majority of Carnival ships, there's not just a single waterslide but a whole water park area. Dubbed WaterWorks, these areas vary in size and features from vessel to vessel. They typically have one or two big waterslides (sometimes three!), a play zone with interactive water features and a large, continuously filling dump bucket that periodically soaks everybody within range.

On some Carnival ships, there's also a SportSquare area with such gee-whiz attractions as the high-flying, pedal-powered SkyRide (something that first debuted in 2016 on Carnival Vista and is now on four ships), a suspended-in-the-air ropes course, a basketball court, miniature golf, miniature bowling, ping-pong tables and other outdoor games.

It's a fun-at-sea focus that has gone to new levels over the past two years with the debut of Mardi Gras and Carnival Celebration, each of which has — get this — a roller coaster on the top deck . Really. We're not making that up. At 800 feet in length, these aren't the biggest roller coasters ever. However, they're real ones — the first ever on a cruise ship.

Meanwhile, for passengers hoping for quiet time away from the kids, many Carnival ships also have an adults-only Serenity retreat area on their top decks with padded loungers, daybeds, hot tubs and often a bar.

In short, there's a ton to do up top on Carnival vessels — and it's almost all available to every passenger on board the vessels at no extra charge (the roller coaster is the only exception).

Unlike some lines, Carnival has resisted the trend of big-ship operators carving out whole sections of deck-top areas for the exclusive use of passengers staying in suites or willing to pay hefty access fees.

Related: The 12 cruise ships with the most spectacular attractions at sea

Children's programs

Carnival claims to draw more children than any other cruise line. So perhaps it makes sense that it has one of the most extensive children's programs at sea. The line has formal children's programming and activities for children as young as 2 years old through the age of 17.

The heart of the program, called Camp Ocean, brings free, supervised activities daily for children aged 2 to 11. The line splits children here into three age groups — Penguins (aged 2-5 years), Stingrays (aged 6-8 years) and Sharks (aged 9-11 years).

Each group has its own age-appropriate activities ranging from face painting to pirate adventures. On many ships there are extensive dedicated spaces for the different groups.

While the free programming ends at 10 p.m., you can pay extra to leave your kids at Camp Ocean until 1 a.m. During those hours, Camp Ocean transforms into a supervised slumber party-type environment with games, movies, crafts and snacks, along with late-night parties called Night Owls.

Carnival also offers dedicated tween and teen programs on ships for children aged 12 to 17. The younger children in this age range (12-14) are grouped into what's known as Circle C and have their own dedicated lounge on ships. It's a place to get together to talk, watch movies, play video games and take part in other activities.

Older kids (aged 15-17) are grouped into what's known as Club O2 and have their own lounge for meeting up, listening to music, dancing, singing karaoke and other activities.

What to know before you go

Required documents.

If you're a U.S. citizen on a cruise that starts and ends in a U.S. port, you'll need a current passport or an official copy of your birth certificate and a driver's license or other government-issued photo identification to sail. A few other forms of identification, such as a passport card, also are acceptable.

Passports must be valid for at least six more months. For cruises from international ports, you'll need a passport. Note that it is important that the name on your reservation be exactly as it is stated on your passport or other official proof of nationality. All this said, we recommend checking Carnival's website before sailing for the very latest on requirements.

Carnival adds an automatic service gratuity of $16 to $18 per person, per day to final bills, depending on the cabin category (children under the age of 2 are exempt). If you are unhappy with the service you receive, you can adjust this amount at the Guest Services desk before disembarking. Also, an 18% gratuity is added to bar bills and the cover charge of the Chef's Table.

Related: Everything you need to know about tipping on cruise ships

Carnival has been rolling out faster Wi-Fi systems across its fleet in the last couple of years, such that you can now stream video on some ships. Pricing changes over time, but the fastest "premium" service on Carnival vessels was recently priced at $21.25 per day when bought in advance ($25 per day when bought onboard).

Carnival also offers a less expensive "social" plan that only allows access to key social networking sites (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.) and messaging services such as WhatsApp for $15.30 a day when bought in advance. A slightly more expensive "value" plan, at $19.55 per day when bought in advance, adds access to email and most websites.

The social and value plans cost $18 and $23 per day, respectively, when bought onboard a ship.

Related: Wi-Fi on ships really is getting better

Carry-on drinks policy

Carnival allows you to bring one bottle of wine or Champagne per person onto ships at boarding plus up to a dozen standard cans or cartons of nonalcoholic drinks such as sodas.

Nonalcoholic drinks in glass or plastic bottles are not allowed. Note that you'll be charged a $15 corkage fee if you want to bring the wine or Champagne to an onboard restaurant or bar to drink. Drinks brought on board must be carried in your carry-on luggage.

Smoking policy

On most ships, smoking (including electronic cigarettes) is only allowed in designated outdoor areas and in casinos and nightclubs. It's forbidden in cabins and on cabin balconies. In casinos and nightclubs, only cigarette smoking is allowed. On Carnival ships in Australia, smoking is only allowed in designated outdoor areas.

Most Carnival ships have self-serve launderettes on cabin decks with washing machines, dryers, irons and ironing boards. There's a $3.25-per-load charge to use a washer or dryer. The launderettes also have vending machines that dispense small boxes of detergent and water softener at $1.50 per box.

In addition, vessels offer extra-charge laundry and, on select ships, dry cleaning services.

Note that three of the line's newest ships — Mardi Gras, Carnival Celebration and Carnival Venezia — do not have launderettes. Carnival fans are quite peeved about this, and you should be, too. Write the line a letter.

Electrical outlets

Most vessels have standard North American-style, 110-volt outlets in rooms, as well as European-style, 220-volt outlets. A growing number of vessels also have USB ports in cabins.

The exceptions are the two Carnival ships that traditionally have sailed in Australia (Carnival Luminosa and Carnival Splendor), which are fitted with a standard Australian three-point plug or adapter providing 220/240 volt 60Hz. Adapters are available on these ships for purchase if needed.

The currency used on most Carnival ships is U.S. dollars. The exceptions are any Carnival ship based in Australia, where pricing is listed in Australian dollars.

All vessels operate on a "cashless system," with any onboard purchases you make posting automatically to your onboard account. You'll receive a Sail & Sign card that you can use to make charges. This same card also gets you into your cabin.

Drinking age

You must be 21 to consume alcohol on most Carnival ships. The drinking age on sailings on Carnival ships in Australia is 18.

During the day, there is no specific dress code, and people dress casually. If it's a sea day in a warm-weather destination, and you're bound for the top deck, that means looking like you're going to the beach — T-shirts, shorts and bathing suits (with a cover-up to go inside) are just fine.

During the evenings, there is an official dress code, but it's pretty laid-back. Most nights are designated "cruise casual," which means just that — khakis or jeans, polo shirts, sundresses, etc. Super casual items such as cutoff jeans, men's sleeveless shirts, T-shirts and gym shorts aren't permitted.

One or two nights a cruise, there will be a more formal "cruise elegant" night where men are expected to turn out in dress slacks and a dress shirt, preferably with a sports coat, or even in a suit. The suggested attire for women on such nights is cocktail dresses, pantsuits, elegant skirts and blouses.

Related: What to pack for your first cruise

Carnival Cruise Line loyalty program

Carnival has a point-based frequent cruiser program, the VIFP Club, that has five tiers, ranging from Blue (requiring no points) to Diamond (200 points).

Members earn one point for every night they sail on one of the line's ships. To hit the second tier, Red, takes one cruise. Reaching the third tier, Gold, requires 25 points.

There is one twist to the earning structure, and it's in your favor: If you're going to hit a tier cutoff during a voyage, you will receive the benefits of that tier from the beginning of that cruise.

In other words, if you are sailing seven-night cruises, you will be Gold level on your fourth sailing, as you will be passing the 25-day mark on that sailing.

As is typical with cruise line loyalty programs, lower tiers don't bring all that much in terms of truly valuable benefits.

In fact, the lower tiers of the Carnival program are among the most stingy in the entire cruise universe. You'll receive things like a single complimentary bottle of water (at the Red tier) and a single free drink that only can be ordered on the last night of a cruise (at the Gold tier). Higher levels of the program are more enticing.

Related: Everything you need to know about Carnival's loyalty program

The second-to-highest tier, Platinum (75 points), brings such perks as priority check-in and boarding, priority debarkation, priority dinner reservations, priority spa reservations and priority water shuttle boarding. Platinums also get complimentary wash-and-fold laundry service (with a limit of two to five bags, depending on the length of the cruise).

The top Diamond level (200 points) brings such added perks as unlimited free wash-and-fold laundry service, a guaranteed seating time in the main restaurant, a dedicated toll-free number for sales and service and a one-time room upgrade.

Note that, in contrast to airline frequent flyer programs, cruise line loyalty programs do not require you to requalify for status every year. So, yes, the perks with lower tiers aren't great. However, it's not as difficult as it might at first seem to hit the more rewarding higher-level tiers in just a few years if you're cruising a lot.

A Carnival passenger taking seven-night cruises will hit the Platinum level during their 11th sailing. Sail a few longer voyages, like a transatlantic sailing, and you could reach it even sooner.

In case you're curious, VIFP stands for Very Important Fun Person.

Related: The TPG guide to cruise line loyalty programs

How much does a Carnival cruise cost?

In general, Carnival ships are among the most affordable at sea. It's not uncommon to find Carnival voyages to the Caribbean, Bahamas or Mexico starting well under $100 per person, per night including all taxes and fees — at least in the offseason.

As of this story's posting, six-night Eastern Caribbean sailings from Miami in 2024 were starting at $339 per person, not including taxes and fees of $170.19. That works out to just $85 per night, per person, with taxes and fees for a package that includes your lodging, transportation and meals.

As you might expect, pricing for ships will generally be lower during offseason periods such as September, October and parts of November.

The timing of when you book can also matter. Cruises book up much further in advance than airplanes or hotels, and many cruisers will tell you that the best pricing for any given sailing is often available when cruises first go on sale (which can be a good two years before a departure). Booking far in advance gives you the best chance of getting your preferred cabin type and location on a ship.

Once on board a Carnival ship, you'll pay extra for most drinks, extra-charge restaurants, spa services, shore excursions, internet service and a few other things — unless you've bought a package for some of these items in advance. Most onboard activities such as shows and deck-top attractions are included in the fare.

Related: 15 ways that first-time cruisers waste money on a cruise

How to book

If you're sure you know what sort of cabin you want, on which ship, on which itinerary — and about a dozen other things — you can head over to Carnival.com to book directly.

That said, given the complexity of booking a cruise — there are a lot of decisions to make during the booking process; trust us — we recommend you use a seasoned travel agent who specializes in cruises.

A good travel agent will quiz you about your particular interests, travel style and preferences, and steer you to the perfect cruise line, ship, itinerary and cabin for you. They can also help you if something goes wrong just before, during or after your voyage.

If you're sure Carnival is your line, look for a travel agent who specializes in trips with the brand. You want someone who understands all the little quirks that are unique to Carnival's cabin categories and, preferably, has done ship inspections to see the cabins firsthand.

Related: How to book a cruise with points and miles

Whether you use a travel agent or not, make sure to maximize your credit card points when paying for the cruise by using a credit card that offers extra points for travel purchases . This could be the Chase Sapphire Reserve , which offers 3 Ultimate Rewards points on travel and dining (excluding the annual $300 travel credit). There's also the Chase Sapphire Preferred Card , which brings 2 Ultimate Rewards points on travel and 3 Ultimate Rewards points on dining.

Bottom line

Carnival ships are all about fun, in a lively, let's-not-take-this-too-seriously sort of way. They're also incredibly affordable. Just don't expect anything too fancy or highbrow.

This is a budget vacation, not a luxury product, and one that is sometimes a bit over the top in its keep-the-party-going formula.

If the idea of crew members dancing during your meal in dining rooms or rowdy karaoke parties makes you cringe, this isn't the line for you. However, if you're ready to let loose and be a little goofy, it may be a perfect choice.

Planning a cruise? Start with these stories:

• The 5 most desirable cabin locations on any cruise ship
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• A quick guide to the most popular cruise lines
• 21 tips and tricks that will make your cruise go smoothly
• 15 ways cruisers waste money
• 12 best cruises for people who never want to grow up
• What to pack for your first cruise

Carnival Jubilee

CARNIVAL JUBILEE™ SAILS FROM GALVESTON PACKED WITH SUCH FUN & INNOVATION

CARNIVAL JUBILEE: NEXT-LEVEL FUN, POWERED BY LNG

Hey, welcome to Carnival Jubilee! The ship that’s following in the fun footsteps of Mardi Gras ® and Carnival Celebration ® has some big flip-flops to fill, and you can count on Carnival Jubilee™ to take things to the next level with six “zones” of fun. Zones are areas themed to transform your vacation into a unique mix of experiences — hop from zone to zone throughout your day to make your own. (And two of them — Currents™ and The Shores™ — are new, oceany-fresh fun spaces.) We’re talking things like the third bistro at sea — Emeril’s Bistro 717™ — from our new Chief Culinary Officer; plus Carnival classics like BOLT ® , RedFrog ® Tiki Bar , Family Feud™ Live , Cucina del Capitano ® , Seuss at Sea™ and Playlist Productions™ . These are joined by fresh innovations like The Golden Mermaid™ and Dr.Inks, Ph.D.™ … plus all-new onboard fun spots. And every last one of them is powered by clean-burning LNG fuel!

NEXT-LEVEL FUN IS EXPLORING NEW WORLDS

In the world of Carnival Jubilee ™ zones are where fun, flavor and relaxation live… and there are six just waiting for you to explore.

Grand Central

Grand Central is designed to make an impression… and that’s good because it’s going to be your first one! You can count on Carnival Jubilee’s atrium to set the vacay vibes for your whole cruise. Look up and you’re honestly in for an eyeful — floor-to-ceiling windows, 14-foot LED screens, a ceiling of 1,400 color-changing lights… everything points to BIG FUN happening in here. And even if you’re just passing through, know that you’ll definitely be back later. Center Stage features a rotating selection of live entertainment, while Grand View Bar serves up great drinks with plenty to feast your eyes on. In Grand Central you're never far from cups of comfort at JavaBlue ™ Café , great dining spots like Bonsai Sushi ™ and Bonsai Teppanyaki ™ , plus feel-good entertainment like Piano Bar 88 ™ and The Punchliner Comedy Club ™ .

We’ve taken the vast world that exists underneath the waves as the inspiration for Currents™ … but why limit your imagination to what’s real? Let the fantastical world of sunken cities, mermaids and sea monsters swirl around your mind as you enjoy new bars, dining spots and live music venues that carry this vibe. This space has good looks, but you can’t miss the innovative tech packed into the zone! Six huge LED “windows” — and the awe-inspiring wavy LED ceiling — will help transport you to mesmerizing digital underwater worlds. These screens are the center of the local entertainment, with interactive audio-visual elements that let kids, adults and everyone enjoy and add to the under-this-world seascapes! Plus there’s Seaquest , a show that virtually transforms the zone into a submarine on an adventure we’ll enjoy together. And with everything to see, don’t forget about the fantastical flavors, with Emeril’s Bistro 717™ , Dr.Inks, Ph.D.™ and The Golden Mermaid™ .

You know we definitely see our share of coastal areas, so it’s easy to imagine how special a place it is to us. That’s why paying tribute to the magical spot where the water meets the land just feels so natural. That’s what’s going on at The Shores™ , a new zone aboard Carnival Jubilee! Beaches, boardwalks and piers were just a little of what inspired us to create this zone that serves up just the right flavors and feels. For starters, Coastal Slice™ is the hotspot for fresh pizza that can only be topped… by delicious toppings. Marina Bar™ is an indoor/outdoor spot where the drinks are only part of the refreshment story — there’s also some great lounging to do! And if we catch you feasting your eyes on our Beach Buns™ , c’mon, who can blame you? It’s a fabulous way to enjoy delicious sandwiches made how you like, or even a just-got-grilled hot dog.

Summer Landing

Go ahead and call Summer Landing 'the greatest chill spot at sea'... and we'll be right there with you, any time of year! What's three letters long and goes great with chilling outdoors? BBQ, so we're building a Guy's Pig & Anchor Smokehouse | Brewhouse into this zone so it always tastes like summer here with freshly-smoked faves designed by Guy Fieri and original Parched Pig ® beers brewed just feet away. If you're wondering where the pool and whirlpool are, we're so alike, you and us... and that's why we're sure you're gonna love The Watering Hole , a poolside bar we're building for aficionados of backyard-style relaxation. And for military folks — or folks who just want to raise a glass to them — please report to Heroes Tribute ™ Lounge for great service. We know you guys like soft serve too, so we're throwing in a Swirls ™ location — one of two! And why wouldn't we? At Summer Landing, fun this cool is literally always in season.

If you’ve cruised with us before, you know Lido ... but aboard Carnival Jubilee ™ this poolside zone features even more delicious and fun experiences among the familiar flavors. Evolving the classic poolside rum-bar was a tall order, but RedFrog ® Tiki Bar will be serving up the good stuff across two decks’ worth of South Pacific atmosphere. Also first-time-fresh is Street Eats , bringing together highlights from the world’s fast-good cuisine like kebab, bao buns and seriously upgraded fries. Shaq’s latest Big Chicken ™ restaurant is here, and fan-fave spots like Guy’s Burger Joint ™ , the New England-inspired Seafood Shack ™ , and BlueIguana Cantina ™ taco spot aren’t done with your taste buds yet. And for folks hoping we haven’t forgotten: yes, Lido is absolutely home to one of two Swirls ™ locations, the free soft-serve spot!

THE ULTIMATE PLAYGROUND

Don't let the name fool you — this zone is ages everybody and up. Kids, you're going to love this. And adults, the playground has grown up with you. So yay for play! Of course The Ultimate Playground starts with BOLT ® , the first rollercoaster at sea, an all-electric thrill ride that puts the power of speed in your hands. But that's only the beginning — this playground has the largest Carnival WaterWorks ™ ever with three huge spiraling slides, plus SportSquare ™ is here featuring an entire mini-golf course, full-court basketball and a ropes course. And, of course, more. Ultimate enough for you?

NEXT-LEVEL FUN IS HITTING ALL THE BEST SPOTS

New innovations join fan favorites across Carnival Jubilee ™ which does its crowd-pleasing with all the awesome tricks of the fun trade.

BOLT: ULTIMATE SEA COASTER

Aboard Carnival Jubilee ™ you’ll meet BOLT ® : the fastest — and first! — rollercoaster at sea. Strap in and zoom your motorcycle-style speed machine around an open-air course high, high above sea level. You know how on most rollercoasters... actually, never mind. Forget other coasters because this all-electric thrill ride puts you in the driver’s seat. That means you actually get to control how fast you go, so hit the gas and try for the fastest time, go for the biggest thrill — plus some amazing 360° ocean views! And for the folks who choose to chill: go light on the pedal, and this just might be the coaster for you!

Dr.Inks, Ph.D.

In life, there are important, difficult questions to answer. An example: can an octopus enjoy a cocktail underwater? Don’t ask how it works… but the answer is yes. We know this thanks to the extensive research of Dr.Inks, Ph.D.™, the cleverest of sea creatures. She spends her time beneath the waves pondering the big ones while still finding time to sip. And here the drinks aren’t just tasty, but truly unique, with color-changing cocktails, layered shots, jellyfish cocktails and more drinks featuring garnishes like boba pearls and seafoam. At the bar you won’t just enjoy some of her favorites, but you’re welcome to look through some of her favorite books, journals and fountain pens. There’s also live musical entertainment nearby, right on the stage, because even octopuses need to let their hair down.

Family Feud Live

The show has been delighting viewers at home for generations, but you never had the chance to buzz-in on a cruise ship… until now! Carnival ships are the only place you’ll find Family Feud™ Live, and on every sailing we’ll be hosting games on an authentic Family Feud™ set — right down to the iconic Face-Off podium, plus all the excitement of Fast Money. Family Feud Live will be emceed by none other than your cruise director, so if you’re game, sign up your team of five for an audition… and make sure they bring that Family Feud spirit. And, of course, everybody’s welcome to grab a seat in the audience to catch all the hilarious action!

For those who flock to waterparks just ready to make a splash, we’d suggest sliding on over to WaterWorks ™ aboard Carnival Jubilee ™ . Three large-scale spiraling slides, a giant dumping bucket, twin racing slides and more — you know, the works — are all practically overflowing for your hydro-delight. When you spot the big slides on board you’ll see that they mean business, splashy business: Blue Lightning ™ is packed with headfirst, high-speed twists and turns, while Orange Thunder ™ starts you off standing before propelling you down into a world of wetness… and of course, our signature Twister ™ slide keeps on thrilling splash-seekers.

The Golden Mermaid

To find uncharted flavors, never before seen on land, we had to dive deep. Far below the waves we met a mermaid who swims the depths of the oceans to find the long-lost treasures of ancient civilizations. Oh, and it wasn’t just any mermaid. The mermaid was golden . You’ve gotta trust us… or you can join us at The Golden Mermaid™, where amazing drinks are just the beginning. Some of the mixological treasures we’re recovered from the deep? Cocktail recipes inspired by precious metals and gemstones, drinks served in exquisite glassware, plus garnishes like edible glitter to remind you of sunlight streaming through the waves from up above! All this glitz pairs perfectly with live music, making this the perfect place to relax with an elegant drink before or after dinner.

CENTER STAGE + PLAYLIST PRODUCTIONS

They’re not concerts, they’re not exactly plays… these shows are something else entirely. Every performance is built on amazing songs you know and love, presented like you’ve never seen before. Multi-talented performers fill the stage with song, dance... and superstar attitude. Carnival Jubilee™ plays host to a lineup of shows like Soulbound and its spooky, atmospheric R&B and Visual Symphony , with innovative LED walls and special effects three decks high. Let’s see what else… debuting right here there’s Dear Future Husband , an interactive pop-wedding adventure. Of course there’s also Celestial Strings , which reimagines rock and pop favorites as symphonic classical compositions, and We Are One , which has performers sometimes leaving the stage behind, actually soaring above the audience.

SPORTSQUARE

You’ll find an oasis of friendly competition at SportSquare ® , located at The Ultimate Playground on Carnival Jubilee ™ . Take on friends at mini-golf, battle strangers at basketball, or push yourself to new heights at the ropes course… or to record-setting low times at the jogging track. SportSquare gets you in the game with soccer and volleyball, plus it brings pool, foosball and ping-pong to the table. Are you game?

SERENITY ADULT-ONLY RETREAT

Somebody at Carnival knows just what you need, and it's pretty much exactly the Serenity Adult-Only Retreat ™ . Look, you'll still be on the same ship as the kids, the hoopla, and all the Carnival-style excitement... but you could easily forget, because when you're at Serenity you could not be further from it all. The world you'll find yourself in is one of complete peace, sea breezes and, of course, a nearby bar. It's the place to get done the kind of stuff you just can't seem to do anywhere else — reconnect with your partner, finish that book, or do absolutely, blissfully, nothing at all.

CLOUD 9 SPA

True or false: cruises are a time for relaxation. Our answer: whether you're all action all the time, or chill to the core, everybody needs a chance to take it easy! And nobody will find an easier spot than Cloud 9 Spa ™ aboard Carnival Jubilee ™ . This is an oasis built from the ground up for relaxation, from a full complement of traditional spa services like massages, facials, body wraps to the carefully-designed climates of Cloud 9's thermal suites... rooms swirling with moist or dry air, each heated very precisely. It turns out it's true: anyone can find a reason to say 'ahhh' at Carnival Jubilee's Cloud 9 Spa.

THE PUNCHLINER COMEDY CLUB

Carnival Jubilee ™ has its own Punchliner Comedy Club in the Grand Central zone, and up on stage you’ll find some real pros who know how to wedge a little laughter into anyone’s evening. You can count on these comedians to not hold back either. Since some of them get up and say exactly what’s on their mind, we also schedule family-friendly performances… so the only red faces in the audience are from laughing a little too hard.

THAT OUGHT TO BE ENOUGH FUN FOR ANYONE!

NEXT-LEVEL FUN IS TRYING EVERY LAST FLAVOR

Enjoy old favorites or find fresh new ones aboard Carnival Jubilee™, where our chefs aim to delight any time from mealtime to snacktime to pizza-time (that’s ‘til 4 a.m.!).

Emeril's Bistro 717

For all the talents he’s shared with us all throughout his years in the culinary and entertainment worlds, Emeril is at his core a crowd-pleaser, a master at understanding and delivering what we all hunger for. And his style of hometown favorites — New Orleans’ Creole and seafood — are a sure bet if you’re trying to satisfy hungry cruisers! That’s why at Emeril’s Bistro 717, the good stuff starts early in the a.m. with dishes like shrimp & grits, poached eggs and — mm-mmm! — beignets. It doesn’t slow down as the day progresses either, with Crescent City classics like jambalaya, fresh oysters, duck ‘n sausage gumbo and more. Stop in and see why we love Emeril’s stuff so much we made him Carnival’s first-ever Chief Culinary Officer!

Cucina del Capitano

At Cucina del Capitano ® on Carnival Jubilee ™ , who you’ve got gathered around the table is truly as important as what’s being served there. At our table you’ll enjoy delicious Italian favorites — we serve them family-style because we know that sharing large plates and sharing tales of your day’s adventures goes hand-in-hand. Speaking of which, our walls are adorned with old snapshots from our officers’ family albums, proving that the rustic Italian-farmhouse atmosphere definitely isn’t for show.

Rudi’s Seagrill

Rudi’s Seagrill ™ is the brainchild of cookbook author and master chef Rudi Sodamin. He has years of experience pleasing palates of vacationers… and this guy loves serving up a smile as much as Carnival does! But he’s serious about seafood, and an evening at Rudi’s proves it through the courses. Enjoy selections like seafood bisque and crab-stuffed lobster tail imperial — all served with an elegant flair that pays proper tribute to the beauty of the ocean from which so much fun, and flavor, arises.

Bonsai Teppanyaki

It’s a meal, a performance, and it’s definitely unforgettable. The Bonsai Teppanyaki ™ experience is set to delight guests aboard Carnival Jubilee ™ . Take a little time out of vacation to sit down to a selection of tempting appetizers, before your chef prepares the main course featuring selections of meats, tofu, fish, shrimp or lobster… right at your table. In the teppanyaki tradition — and Carnival’s tradition of fun — expect an interactive, satisfying meal full of surprise and delicious delight.

Guy's Pig & Anchor Smokehouse | Brewhouse

With choices like brisket, sausage, baby back ribs and dry-rubbed chicken, our pros do the smoking right there over hickory wood before serving them up at your table. You’re in Guy Fieri’s house — Carnival Jubilee ™ has Guy’s Pig & Anchor Smokehouse | Brewhouse. Now about the brews: this house of BBQ tradition doesn’t just satisfy your hunger — you’ll also enjoy our all-new, exclusive line of Parched Pig ™ craft brews. There’s a smoked porter, a farmhouse ale, a hoppy IPA and a toasted amber, all brewed just feet from your table. Tip: Come by and check out the free menu at lunchtime, plus live music and lively atmosphere all day.

Bonsai Sushi

So maybe you’ve had sushi before, but have you tried it at Bonsai Sushi ™ ? This is Carnival’s onboard seafood-and-soy-sauce spot, and we think you’ll enjoy our latest location, aboard Carnival Jubilee ™ . Dine indoors or out amidst carefully-pruned bonsai trees, while enjoying a delectable menu with sit-down service. Rounding out the meal: soups, sides, sakes and desserts. So the next time you’re taking a stroll down the onboard promenade, stop at Bonsai Sushi for a roll, a box or maybe order a whole sushi ship — seaborne satisfaction for two.

Guy's Burger Joint

We call Carnival Jubilee ™ 's onboard burger spot Guy’s Burger Joint ™ . We teamed up with Guy Fieri to design not just the burgers and fries, but to help bring in the kind of rustic atmosphere you’d find at a roadside burger shack somewhere off a coastal highway. All signs point to ambiance — and serious flavor — so try a burger dressed up the way Guy likes it, or take it off-roading… to the nearby topping bar, where you can make it your own.

Fahrenheit 555 Steakhouse

Haute cuisine meets atmosphere at Fahrenheit 555 ™ , a dining experience that stands toe-to-toe with some of the best steakhouses on land. Except this one’s at sea — aboard Carnival Jubilee ™ . Ours features your choice of steak cuts, lobster, lamb and more… and inside, there’s even a full bar that pours great pairings. These are the building blocks of an amazing experience — delectable elements that combine with great service to offer an evening to remember.

Big Chicken

When Shaq tells you to build a chicken joint on board, you start warming up immediately. The big guy brings his poultry know-how and good taste to the seas with Big Chicken ™ on Carnival Jubilee ™ . Just like Shaq’s a multitalented entertainer, his restaurant is no one-trick chick. Step up to the counter for lunch or dinner and walk away with your choice of chicken sandwiches, crispy chicken strips or juicy fried chicken baskets... plus side dishes like potato salad and jalapeño slaw. Early-morning buzzer-beaters are invited to enjoy a breakfast of classics like chicken biscuits, a three-cheese omelet or our biscuit/egg combo featuring bacon or sausage. Snoozers are invited, too — breakfast is served until 3!

Seafood Shack

A good seafood dish… mmm, quite the catch. However you like yours — roll, bowl or platter — Seafood Shack ™ is Carnival Jubilee's place for you to cast your net. Imagine a seaside spot in New England, where the locals gather for great meals served with a bit of a breeze and a lot of a view. (That said, nowhere on land will you get 360-degree ocean views like ours!) Look to Seafood Shack for rustic favorites like Crab Cake Sliders, Lobster BLT, Fried Buffalo Shrimp, Snow Crab and more. Steer a course for Carnival Jubilee ™ ... that’s where you’ll find this little shack by the sea, wherever in the world you happen to be!

EVEN ⇨ MORE ⇨ FLAVOR ⇨ THIS ⇨ WAY ⇨

NEXT-LEVEL FUN IS A REALLY RELAXABLE ROOM

Carnival Jubilee™ has staterooms made to fit you, your family, your style of cruising. You can thank us at the end of a long day’s fun!

STATEROOM DESIGN

Design is more than just the way things look — it's as much about how they work. And staterooms aboard Carnival Jubilee ™ are packed with innovative changes to both. It's the way the ring-lit vanity mirror lights you evenly and shadow-free as you get ready. How the ottoman cushion flips over to serve as an extra table. And even those reading lights, recessed into the wall so you can read in bed without waking anyone! These details are really more than just details. Better comfort, lighting and storage all spring from a deep understanding we've developed around how people actually use their staterooms… and how small changes to the room add up to make the experience that much better. (Enough USB charging ports for everybody’s stuff? Oh yes!) Thoughtful, guest-centric design is how we do it… and all this in-room convenience comes paired with a fresh new look.

Havana Staterooms & Suites

Consider your Havana stateroom or suite your own island resort aboard Carnival Jubilee ™ . Most important is the exclusive location: near the Havana Bar & Pool. This relaxation pool is your members-only spot, and the bar's a fun-for-all hotspot when the sun goes down. Indoors, all Havana staterooms feature a unique décor, but step up to a Havana Cabana for an extra-large outdoor chill space. Step into a Havana Cabana suite for even more space, plus a luxurious rain shower. (All Havana stateroom guests must be 12 or older.)

Cloud 9 Spa Staterooms & Suites

Cloud 9 Spa ™ staterooms on Carnival Jubilee ™ feature exclusive décor and in-room amenities to help soothe you after a long day’s fun — spa bathrobes and slippers, plus toiletries by Elemis. Book one of these staterooms and enjoy priority spa reservations, unlimited access to the thermal suites, free fitness classes, exclusive discounts and more! And you can have comfort and value — Carnival Jubilee's got a full range of Cloud 9 staterooms in all sizes, from cozy Interiors to stretch-out Suites.

Family Harbor Staterooms & Suites

Family Harbor staterooms, with their unique nautical décor, can be found near Carnival Jubilee ™ own Family Harbor Lounge — an exclusive spot with breakfast, snacks during the day, plus board games, family movies, video games and more. The benefits don’t end there — your little girls and boys eat free in most onboard specialty restaurants and get a free evening of Night Owls babysitting service, so you can enjoy a little alone time.

Interior Staterooms

Here’s the most affordable way to experience Carnival Jubilee ™ , without cutting even a single corner in the comfort department. With an Interior stateroom you’ll get a full private bathroom, your choice of bed size and layout — covered in linens you can feel at home in — all of which make this truly a great spot for curling up after a long day’s fun.

Ocean View Staterooms

These comfy rooms with a view let you take in the scenery as you sail toward your beautiful destinations. And how about those views? Nowhere on land will you find anything like ‘em. But the views aren’t all that matters here — Ocean View staterooms on Carnival Jubilee ™ are a little bit bigger than Interior rooms and most feature a supremely loungeable couch for those times when neither lying nor standing will do.

Balcony Staterooms

Balcony staterooms are proof that while it’s great to be cruisey… on vacation, breeziness is a virtue too. And any time you’re in your well-appointed Balcony stateroom aboard Carnival Jubilee ™ , you’re just steps away from the outdoors by way of your private open-air oasis. Designed for kicking back al fresco, you’re in for some amazing ocean views… views so stunning you’ll just have to feel ‘em to believe ‘em.

Get all the comforts of home, and even a few extras. Since your huge Suite on Carnival Jubilee ™ affords you VIP status, you're in the priority line when getting on and off the ship… plus Suites come with exclusive perks! (Carnival Excel Suites pack even more, like concierge service and access to Loft 19™.) A Suite is the ultimate way to enjoy the ship, and the extra comfort definitely goes a long way, with more room to put your feet up or stretch out on the extra-large balcony.

Loft 19 ™ was designed to afford you a unique opportunity for relaxation and indulgence. This retreat-style space invites you to soak up the sun all day from the comfort of a lounge chair or infinity whirlpool. This pairs so perfectly with Carnival Excel suites that staying in one actually gets you Loft 19 access! Drink service is always close at hand, plus you can even opt for a little private time — renting a cabana gets you more than just a place in the shade, but extras like fresh fruit, chilled towels, lunch delivery and concierge service. (Cabana rentals are open to everyone, though guests in Carnival Excel-level suites enjoy priority reservations.)

NEXT-LEVEL FUN IS BUILDING-IN EPIC AMOUNTS OF IT

Even during construction, we knew where we were heading with the big plans for Carnival Jubilee! So here’s your deck-by-deck look at where to find all the fun, and all the staterooms.

NEXT-LEVEL FUN IS MAKING BIG HEADLINES

Carnival Jubilee has the travel pros and press about as excited as cruise fans. And with all this fun, of course they are! Check out the latest news and announcements right here.

I've been on 2 ultra-luxury cruise ships — endless caviar and free flights make the $685 per day worth it

• The cruise industry's  new ultra-luxury ships  could be worth the expensive fares.
• Wealthy cruisers get high-end amenities like complimentary flights, caviar, and wine.
• Luxury small-ship cruising has becoming increasingly popular. 

Say goodbye to questionable lunch buffets and tiny, windowless cabins. On ultra-luxury cruises , travelers get mountains of caviar, roundtrip business-class flights, and floating Rolex stores.

When you think of a cruise, you might picture the giant ships run by companies like Royal Caribbean and Norwegian. On these family-friendly floating resorts, activities like go-kart tracks, waterparks, and virtual reality arcades are commonplace.

On smaller, more expensive cruises, these large and loud amenities are replaced with peace, quiet, and foie gras.

Cruises are generally considered an affordable vacation option, with necessities like food and a cabin included in the base fare.

However, many mass-market cruise companies are increasingly following the budget airline model : Charge a cheap fare and pile up plenty of irresistible pay-to-play amenities.

Travelers could easily accidentally blow past their budget by the end of the vacation.

But guests luxuriate on high-end cruises, many of which are all-inclusive and don't have this problem.

Sure, luxury cruises have a higher base fare. But you'll never have to reach for your wallet once on board.

That's about as stress-free as you can get with a vacation.

"I'd rather have a few empty beds and get the right guests at the right price," Michael Ungerer, CEO of MSC Group's new luxury cruise line , Explora Journeys, told Business Insider in 2023. "Most of [the amenities] are already included, so we don't have to upsell."

After going on two luxury cruise ships, I now understand why so many wealthy travelers are splurging on these vacations at sea.

In 2023, I spent one night on Explora Journeys' Explora I while it was docked in New York and three nights on Regent Seven Seas Cruises' Grandeur while it sailed roundtrip from Miami. Both were complimentary non-revenue events for travel agents and media.

Seven Seas Grandeur's least expensive 2024 cruise is a seven-night roundtrip Miami voyage in December, starting at $4,800 per person — about $685 per day. (Travelers can book their own flights and pre-cruise hotels for a discounted fare.)

Meanwhile, Explora I's most affordable itinerary is a $3,030-per-person, 10-night November sailing from Barcelona to Bridgetown, Barbados.

Expensive? Yes. But on a cruise, money buys happiness.

On both ships, the fare includes complimentary bottles of Champagne, WiFi, endless alcoholic beverages, and access to the spa.

With Regent Seven Seas, pre-cruise hotels, every on board restaurant, flights to and from the ship (business class if international), and most excursions are also included.

Ironically, a higher price means a smaller ship.

The 922-guest Explora I stands at 813 feet and 63,900 gross-tons. The 746-guest Seven Seas Grandeur is smaller at 735 feet-long and 55,000 gross-tons.

To compare, Royal Caribbean's most popular and the world's largest cruise ship, the 7,600-guest Icon of the Seas , is a casual 1,196 feet long and 248,663 gross tons.

We’ll likely never see Icon of the Seas’ waterslides and theme park amenities across Regent Seven Seas' or Explora’s fleet.

But small ships have two big benefits: exclusivity and the ability to fit in more desirable ports.

The Grandeur is scheduled to sail to destinations like Oranjestad, Aruba, and Castries, Saint Lucia, while Explora I is planned for Hawaii and Casablanca, Morocco.

Icon of the Seas is exclusively sailing in the Caribbean this year.

Luxury ships still have some traditional amenities like pools, restaurants, and bars — just with an upscale flair, of course.

Instead of arcades, Explora I and Seven Seas Grandeur have cigar lounges.

Instead of a kid's playground, the latter has a quiet library.

Even the drinking water is better: No need to travel to Erewhon to sip on crystal-infused water. Just head to Explora I's spa instead.

The devil (quiet references to quiet luxury) is in the ships’ details.

Explora I has the first Rolex store at sea. The Cartier boutique is right next door.

Up a few decks, travelers can workout at the Technogym Artis Line-supplied gym, where a treadmill costs $20,250 and an elliptical $15,500.

Meanwhile, Seven Seas Grandeur is decorated with 503 chandeliers and a $6 million art collection that includes several original Pablo Picasso pieces and a custom Fabergé egg.

As expected, the food on these luxury ships are comparable to Michelin-starred restaurants.

Both floating five-star resorts have lunch buffets of raw seafood, lobster tails, and crab legs.

For dinner on the Explora I, travelers can dine on the six restaurants' wagyu tataki, grilled octopus, and aged prime rib with potatoes and caviar.

The Seven Seas Grandeur's five restaurants all serve some form of black truffle, sturgeon caviar, or foie gras.

For a 10-night cruise, Regent Seven Seas says its new ship carries 1,200 pounds of lobster, 20 pounds of caviar, and 5,000 bottles of wine — the most pricey at $2,500.

Expensive food means expensive service: Like many high-end on-land restaurants, the hostess always offered me a black napkin when I wore dark pants.

Dinners of steak tartare, lobster, and wine were as commonplace as the scrambled eggs at the breakfast buffet.

And, they're free, according to the laws of " girl math ."

By the end of my second night on the Regent Seven Seas ship, "I'm tired of eating caviar" went from being a joke to a serious statement.

If we're stereotyping, cruise ship bars can be less-than-luxe.

But don't call Explora I's Lobby Bar, which looks like it came out of an actual hotel bar, "trashy." After all, its background music comes from the overhead Steinway piano.

Starbucks outposts are becoming increasingly popular on mass-market ships.

But wealthy cruisers don't get to wake up with green siren-decorated cups of caffeine.

Instead, Explora I and Seven Seas Grandeur have their own coffee shops serving delectable espresso-based drinks and a separate afternoon tea service.

Like the lack of mediocre coffee, travelers on these fine ships will never be stuck in a tiny windowless interior cabin.

The smallest stateroom on the 461-cabin Explora I starts at 377 square-feet and flexes high-end amenities like a Dyson hairdryer.

The 373 cabins on the Seven Seas Grandeur start a bit smaller at 307 square-feet. At least it comes with L'Occitane en Provence products.

Both options have walk-in closets, floor-to-ceiling windows, and balconies. That's unheard of in the cheapest cabin on most mega-ships.

But one of the most pleasant differences between ultra-luxury and mid-tier cruises isn't in the amenities or dining.

It's the general ambiance.

Ultra-luxury ships aren't designed for cruising families with young children . The two ships didn't have cartoonish decor, loud lounges, or an unbearable number of children that could've kicked my fight-or-flight response.

Instead, the high-end vessels' common spaces were modern, mature, and relaxing.

If it seems like everyone you know has recently booked a cruise, you’d be correct.

Popular cruise lines like Royal Caribbean, Norwegian, and Carnival have recently seen off-the-charts bookings.

The same applies to the industry's more niche and expensive peers — especially as travelers have increasingly splurged on luxurious vacations like small-ship cruising.

In February, Harry Sommer, president and CEO of Regent's parent company, Norwegian Cruise Line Holdings , said demand for its luxury brands has been "very high."

After eating caviar and black truffles for every dinner on the Grandeur, I now understand why.

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A Guide to All 27 Carnival Cruise Ships

With 27 ships and hundreds of itineraries, there’s a Carnival cruise for everyone.

Courtesy of Carnival Cruises

Carnival Cruise Line offers numerous cruise options worldwide with a fleet of 27 ships. Their cruises include all the hits: celebrity chef-driven restaurants, onboard rollercoasters, dedicated kids venues, serene spa moments, adults-exclusive pool decks, and exciting destinations. Carnival has it all — and can be relatively affordable. But which ship is right for you?

After sailing on eight Carnival cruises, including voyages on its oldest ship, Carnival Elation , and the newer Carnival Celebration, I’ve learned that sailing on newer ships is generally more expensive, and older vessels are more budget-friendly. However, I often consider more than the total cost before booking a cruise. I look at the ports of call, the space-to-guest ratio, the amenities and onboard activities, and the launch point.

When I select a sailing, I book through Carnival Cruise Line’s reservation number to see if I can snag an exclusive deal not listed online. Carnival's free-to-join loyalty program, the Very Important Fun Person (VIFP) Club, offers deals like reduced deposits, onboard credit, and room upgrades. The more you book with the cruise line, the better your deals will be. 

Before committing to a cruise, I break down the price per person per night, particularly if I need multiple cabins because I'm traveling with a group. I recommend you take advantage of Carnival's convenient 24-hour reservation hold, which displays the total cost, itinerary, and a countdown timer so you know when to purchase to secure the locked-in price.

Here, find guidance on every Carnival cruise ship, from the newest to the oldest.

Related: How to Save Money on a Cruise

Carnival Firenze

Inaugural Year: 2024

Ship Class: Venice Class

Ship Capacity: 4,126 double occupancy; 5,245 total guests

Standout Amenities: Amari bar for a peritivi and digestivi ; Serenity Adult-Only Retreat when you need time away from kids; and Pizzeria Del Capitano for hand-tossed pizza made with imported Italian ingredients  

Originally debuted in 2021 as part of the Costa Cruises fleet (an Italy-based subsidiary of Carnival), the Firenze will set sail as a Carnival ship — with an Italian twist — in Spring 2024. Across Firenze , you’ll see touches of Italy; think cute cafe set-ups that look like they were picked up from a Florence sidewalk. Terrazza staterooms access a private sun deck with whirlpools and a bar. Carnival’s fan-favorite dining options and amenities, like Guy’s Burger Joint and WaterWorks, will be on board.

Carnival Jubilee

Inaugural Year: 2023

Ship Class: Excel Class

Ship Capacity: 5,374 double occupancy; 6,631 total guests

Standout Amenities: BOLT: Ultimate Sea Coaster rollercoaster; relaxing Cloud 9 Spa thermal suites with adjustable humidity and temperature; pickleball courts for challenging family and friends

Carnival Jubilee is the newest Excel-class ship in the fleet, sailing from Galveston, Texas. The massive ship offers Camp Ocean, the onboard kids club. Adults also have their own space at the Serenity Adult-Only Retreat with swaying hammocks and a bar.

Carnival Venezia

Ship Capacity: 3,934 double occupancy; 4,977 total guests

Standout Amenities: The Gondola Lounge, themed after Venice's beautiful canals; a pool area with a retractable roof

Initially built in 2019 for Costa Cruises, this ship joined the Carnival fleet in 2023. Carnival Venezia is ideal if you’re looking for a ship that celebrates one of Italy’s most iconic cities. Venice is the inspiration behind the indoor and outdoor areas, including the atrium, modeled after Piazza San Marco, and the Carnevale Lounge, inspired by Venetian masquerades. Don't miss the Venetian Toast, where the ship’s captain greets guests and crew don Venetian masks.

Carnival Celebration

Inaugural Year: 2022

Standout Amenities: Space Cruisers, a kids camp in partnership with Kennedy Space Center; The Golden Jubilee Bar for vintage cocktails; BOLT: Ultimate Sea Coaster

Carnival Celebration is all about never-ending good times. During my recent sailing, I found all the Carnival classics, like the Alchemy Bar and Guy’s Burger Joint, a thrilling ropes course, dive-in movies, and plenty of themed deck parties. If you’re looking to relax, it has that, too. Rent cabanas or lounge in the ocean-view whirlpools at Loft 19, where attentive staff take care of everything, like delivering you fruit and chilled towels. My favorite spot to hang out was the aft Patio Pool because it wasn't ever super crowded, and the view of the ocean was unmatched. 

Carnival Luminosa

Ship Class: Spirit Class

Ship Capacity: 2,260 double occupancy; 2,826 total guests 

Standout Amenities: Carnival fan-favorite Alchemy Bar; Circle “C” tween club; Cloud 9 Spa hydrotherapy pool for rejuvenating soaks

Carnival Luminosa (formerly the Costa Luminosa ) is for you if you want to sail to destinations like Alaska and Australia. It also offers occasional itineraries through scenic transpacific spots like Fiji, Tahiti, Hawaii, and Japan. The ship has all of the brand’s classic amenities, like the RedFrog Rum Bar and Punchliner Comedy Club, plus an array of dining options, including sushi, pizza, ice cream, and an over-the-top brunch.

Carnival Mardi Gras

Inaugural Year: 2021

Ship Capacity: 5,282 double occupancy; 6,456 total guests

Standout Amenities: BOLT: Ultimate Sea Coaster for adrenaline junkies; Havana Bar for Cuban drinks and live music; Guy’s Pig & Anchor Smokehouse and Brewhouse

Carnival Mardi Gras is a nod to Carnival’s first ship, also named Mardi Gras, which was launched in 1972. The vessel has six onboard zones where families can have fun together, including the Ultimate Playground, where BOLT and the SportsSquare are located. Of course, there’s no Mardi Gras without New Orleans, so the French Quarter zone is where you’ll find Big Easy-inspired amenities like an Emeril Lagasse restaurant.

Carnival Radiance

Inaugural Year: 2021 (formerly Carnival Victory , which set sail in 2000)

Ship Class: Sunshine Class

Ship Capacity: 2,984 double occupancy; 3,873 total guests 

Standout Amenities: BlueIguana Tequila Bar for great margaritas; ZSPA for teens who want a spa day; an outdoor gym on the ship's top deck

Carnival Radiance has culinary delights and family fun in spades. If you're a foodie, try Guy’s Burger Joint for loaded burgers straight from Flavortown or Shaq’s Big Chicken for the basketball star's incredible fried chicken sandwiches. Kids will love seeing The Cat in the Hat characters during activities like character parades, story time, and character breakfasts.

Carnival Panorama

Inaugural Year: 2019

Ship Class: Vista Class

Ship Capacity: 4,008 double occupancy; 5,146 total guests

Standout Amenities: Sky Zone trampoline park where families can bounce and play games; Skyride, a suspended bike on the top deck with great ship and ocean views; Guy’s Pig & Anchor Smokehouse and Brewhouse featuring Carnival Cruise Line exclusive craft beers

Carnival Panorama is smaller than today's mega-ships, but it packs a ton of fun into its 15 decks. Rooms are spacious; some come with exclusive perks like access to the Havana Pool area or unlimited use of the spa’s thermal suites. Kids will also love that there’s an onboard waterpark, kids club, and a Build-a-Bear Workshop at Sea.

Carnival Sunrise

Ship Capacity: 2,984 double occupancy; 3,973 total guests

Standout Amenities: Cloud 9 Spa cabins with access to the thermal suites; Lucky Bowl restaurant, which is only on Carnival Sunrise and only open for lunch

Carnival Sunrise  (formerly Carnival Triumph ) features an exciting splash zone for kids and a piano bar where adults can sing along to their favorite songs all night. The ship sails on two to five-night and six to nine-night cruises from Miami, Florida, to the Bahamas.

Carnival Horizon

Inaugural Year: 2018

Ship Capacity: 3,960 double occupancy; 4,977 total guests

Standout Amenities: IMAX movie theater for a family night out; Dr. Suess Bookville for family story time and character appearances; volleyball court where adults can test their skills or just hit the ball around

Carnival Horizon has all the makings of a fun family vacation. The kids clubs have dedicated counselors who ensure children are always having fun, and parents can slip away to an adults-only bar for a cocktail or the Serenity Adult-Only Retreat to catch some sun. Then, as night falls, you can come back together for a special meal in the main dining room or JiJi Asian Kitchen, which specializes in regional Asian cuisine.

Carnival Vista

Inaugural Year: 2016

Standout Amenities: The thrilling SkyRide suspended bike for great ship and sea views; Thrill Theater for a 3-D show with water, lighting, wind, and chair movement effects; RedFrog Pub & Brewery, the first brewery at sea in North America

Carnival Vista is perfect for new cruisers. Sailings range from two to nine days out of Port Canaveral, so you can get a taste of what a cruise is like without committing to a more traditional weeklong sailing. Expect an onboard brewery, incredible restaurants, and family-friendly fun.

Carnival Sunshine

Inaugural Year: 2013

Ship Capacity: 3,002 double occupancy; 3,758 total guests

Standout Amenities: Carnival WaterWorks with multiple slides and water features; BlueIguana Tequila Bar for poolside libations; an onboard steakhouse with a Wine Spectator Award of Excellence for its exceptional wine list

Carnival Sunshine (formerly Carnival Destiny ) is 10 years old and a fan favorite. The lower guest capacity, at just over 3,000 for double occupancy, means you won’t have to fight hoards of people to get to and from activities. Families who want even more cabin space should book one of the aft-view extended balcony rooms with great wake views and ample private outdoor space.

Carnival Breeze

Inaugural Year: 2012

Ship Class: Dream Class

Ship Capacity: 3,690 double occupancy; 4,724 total guests 

Standout Amenities: Cloud 9 Spa for next-level relaxation; Mongolian Wok lunch restaurant; pickleball courts to get competitive with your family; waterslides

Carnival Breeze is ideal for a short cruise out of Galveston, Texas. The ship has plenty of activities throughout the day, including bingo, trivia, and live performances in the comedy club.

Carnival Magic

Inaugural Year: 2011

Ship Capacity: 3,690 double occupancy; 4,724 total guests

Standout Amenities: Cloud 9 Spa; a thrilling ropes course; Chef’s Table dining experience

Carnival Magic sails for a week or more from Miami, Florida. The ship debuted the restaurant Cucina del Capitano, which is now onboard multiple ships in the fleet. It’s also home to the original Guy’s Pig & Anchor. I sailed the Carnival Magic years ago, but I vividly remember spending an entire day enjoying the amenities at the Cloud 9 Spa and eating at the Mongolian Wok quick-service restaurant almost every afternoon for lunch.

Carnival Dream

Inaugural Year: 2009

Ship Capacity: 3,646 double occupancy; 4,631 total guests

Standout Amenities: Ocean Plaza, a multi-use entertainment venue that’s family-friendly during the day and a nightclub after dark; Guy’s Burger Joint for standout smash burgers; Cloud 9 Spa for adults to relax

Carnival Dream is known for exciting entertainment and food and beverage offerings, including Alchemy Bar, a vintage-themed cocktail "pharmacy." The ship sails from Galveston, Texas, on six to nine-day cruises. I loved playing the onboard mini-golf course.

Carnival Splendor

Inaugural Year: 2008

Ship Class: Splendor Class

Ship Capacity: 3,012 double occupancy; 3,734 total guests

Standout Amenities: Masala Tiger Indian restaurant, which is only open for lunch and only on this ship; a mini-golf course; a pool with a retractable cover

Carnival Splendor sails the Southern Hemisphere around Asia, Australia, New Zealand, and the South Pacific on cruises that range from two to 10 days. The ship has Carnival’s only quick-service Indian restaurant and boasts a pool with a retractable roof, so you can swim without worrying about the weather.

Carnival Freedom

Inaugural Year: 2007

Ship Class: Conquest Class

Ship Capacity: 2,980 double occupancy; 3,754 total guests

Standout Amenities: Space Cruisers kids program in partnership with Kennedy Space Center; RedFrog Pub, with Key West-inspired food and drinks; Dr. Seuss Bookville, a kids library that's themed after the famous author’s characters

Carnival Freedom is ideal for first-time cruisers because of the lower guest capacity and the smaller ship size. But don’t let the numbers fool you; this ship is packed with high-energy activities for all ages; from the kid's clubs to the casino, there’s no lack of fun to be had.

Carnival Liberty

Inaugural Year: 2005

Ship Capacity: 2,974 double occupancy; 3,576 total guests

Standout Amenities: Punchliner Comedy Club for family-friendly laughs during the day and adults-only fun at night; SkyBox Sports Bar to keep up with the big games back home; Mongolian Wok, a prime lunch spot with custom bowls

Looking to relax? Prefer a high-energy vacation? Carnival Liberty can do it all. Head to the main theater for enchanting live performances and shows every night, enjoy tacos and burgers on the pool decks, or find a lounge chair around the pool and soak up the sun.

Carnival Valor

Inaugural Year: 2004

Ship Capacity: 2,980 double occupancy; 3,756 total guests

Standout Amenities: Dive-in movies where you can catch a family-friendly flick under the stars; BlueIguana Tequila Bar for tequila and Mexican beer-based cocktails; Scarlett’s Steakhouse, where perfect steaks and impeccable sides await

Carnival Valor is almost 20 years old and still showing cruisers a good time. The ship's home ports are New Orleans, Louisiana, and Barcelona, Spain, and it offers two to over 10-night sailings. Don’t miss the epic Seaday Brunch, where you'll find all kinds of treats like huevos rancheros, french toast, loaded burgers, and chicken and waffles.

Carnival Miracle

Ship Capacity: 2,124 double occupancy; 2,680 total guests

Standout Amenities: Serenity Adult-Only Retreat where the 21-plus crowd can enjoy a kid-free space; pickleball courts that have great views of the ocean and ports of call

Fantasy worlds and elements inspired Carnival Miracle . Around the ship, you’ll find spaces like Phantom Lounge and Dr. Frankenstein’s Lab, where you can see shows or dance the night away. When you’re ready to soak up the sun, find a lounge chair at the adults-only pool deck or splash down on one of the slides at WaterWorks.

Carnival Glory

Inaugural Year: 2003

Standout Amenities: Camp Ocean kids club for children ages two to 11; AquaTunnel waterslide; 24-hour pizza delivery to anywhere on the ship

Carnival Glory is a vibrant ship inside and out. Think nightly dance parties in White Heat Dance Club, movies under the stars on the pool deck, and tacos from BlueIguana Cantina. The ship sails around the Bahamas, Caribbean, and more on two to 10-day itineraries.

Carnival Legend

Inaugural Year: 2002

Ship Capacity: 2,124 double occupancy; 2,610 total guests 

Standout Amenities: White Hot Night Party; jogging track with panoramic ocean views; Build-A-Bear Workshop at Sea where kids can make a new friend to bring home

Carnival Legend, themed around legends and lore around the world, has two pools and plenty of places to grab a bite, including the Golden Fleece Steakhouse for a stunning multi-course dinner. You're sure to return home with tales.

Carnival Conquest

Standout Amenities: Pickleball courts so you can keep up with weekly family matches; '80s Rock-In-Glow Party for an evening of throwback fun; Guy’s Burger Joint for tasty and quick meals between activities

Carnival Conquest takes cruisers to the Bahamas and the Caribbean on two to 10-day sailings. Special programs allow kids to see their favorite Dr. Seuss characters at sea, and adults can enjoy the enticing Alchemy Bar for one-of-a-kind cocktails.

Carnival Pride

Inaugural Year: 2002 

Standout Amenities: Mid-ship pool with a retractable roof; Heroes Tribute Bar, which recognizes each branch of the American military

For an extended cruise from Tampa, Florida, or Baltimore, Maryland, look to Carnival Pride . The ship has something for every type of traveler, including three kids clubs, adult-only spaces, and over a dozen different dining options.

Carnival Spirit

Inaugural Year: 2001

Ship Capacity: 2,124 double occupancy; 2,610 total guests

Standout Amenities: Domed swimming pool; two-deck fitness center; a pizza window open until 4 a.m.

Carnival Spirit sets sail from home ports around the United States to Alaska, Hawaii, the Caribbean, and the Panama Canal. The ship offers a wide range of entertainment options, including mini-golf, a jogging track, kids clubs, and adult-centric entertainment.

Carnival Paradise

Inaugural Year: 1998

Ship Class: Fantasy Class

Ship Capacity: 2,052 double occupancy; 2,606 total guests

Standout Amenities: Serenity Adult-Only Retreat when you need a place without kids; twin racing waterslides for all ages

With two to nine-day cruises from Tampa to the Caribbean and the Bahamas, Carnival Paradise literally takes cruisers to paradise islands. The ship brims with fun amenities like the WaterWorks splash zone and the relaxing Cloud 9 Spa.

Carnival Elation

Ship Capacity: 2,052 double occupancy; 2,606 total guests 

Standout Amenities: Duke’s Piano Bar for nightly sing-a-longs; Alchemy Bar for custom cocktails; BlueIguana Cantina for breakfast and lunch options with a Mexican twist

Carnival Elation is currently the fleet's oldest ship, debuting in March 1998, and the only cruise ship from any cruise line that sails from Jacksonville, Florida. Even though the ship is small, with a total guest capacity of 2,606, it’s ideal for a quick weekend away if you want a mix of relaxation and high-energy activities. I've sailed the most on Carnival Elation since the ship sails from my hometown of Jacksonville. Even though it's the oldest in the fleet, I love that the sailings are short weekend trips where I can sit outside in the sun enjoying a Guy's Burger Joint smash burger before heading inside to see a show or play bingo. And because the ship is so small, it's easy to navigate, and I always end up making friends with the delightful crew onboard.

Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optical nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.

Watch CBS News

The Francis Scott Key Bridge collapse is impacting cruises and could cause up to $10 million in losses for Carnival

By Caitlin O'Kane

Updated on: March 28, 2024 / 10:22 PM EDT / CBS News

The Francis Scott Key Bridge collapse  has impacted cruise travel in Baltimore. Carnival Cruise Line had to temporarily move its Baltimore operations to Norfolk, Virginia, as the Baltimore Harbor has been closed to marine traffic — which could cause up to a $10 million monetary loss for the company. 

The company's ship, Carnival Legend, was scheduled to return to Baltimore on  Sunday, March 31, but guests will instead go to Norfolk. There will be a complimentary bus service to get back to Baltimore from that port, Carnival announced on Tuesday . The drive between these cities could be up to five hours long. 

The upcoming Carnival Legend cruise on March 31 will depart and return to Norfolk. 

"Our thoughts remain with the impacted families and first responders in Baltimore," Christine Duffy, president of Carnival Cruise Line, said in a statement. "We appreciate the pledge made by President Biden today to dedicate all available resources to reopen Baltimore Harbor to marine traffic as soon as possible. As those plans are finalized, we will update our future cruise guests on when we will return home to Baltimore, but in the meantime, we appreciate the quick response and support from officials in Norfolk."

"We will continue to actively monitor the situation and look forward to getting back to Baltimore as soon as possible," a Carnival spokesperson said in a statement to CBS News.

As for the impact on business, the spokesperson told CBS News the company expects a less than $10 million impact on both adjusted earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation, and amortization as well as its adjusted net income for the full year 2024. 

Cruise Lines International Association , the largest cruise industry trade association, says 12 cruise ships made 115 trips through Baltimore in 2024. And in 2023, about 444,000 cruise passengers moved through the port, the 29th largest in the U.S.

Other cruise companies like Royal Caribbean and American Cruise Lines also have ships that go to Baltimore, however, it is unclear if those lines have been impacted yet. CBS News reached out to several cruise companies for comment. 

The bridge collapsed around 1:30 a.m. on Tuesday when a cargo ship, called the Dali , lost power and crashed into one of the bridge's columns. The ship made a mayday call ahead of the crash and first responders were able to prevent cars from driving onto the bridge, but eight construction workers  were on the structure pouring concrete.

Two of the construction workers were recovered alive, but the other six were presumed dead on Tuesday. Two bodies were found in a construction vehicle  submerged in the water on Wednesday. 

Following the incident, Maryland Governor Wes Moore declared a state of emergency and President Biden said the federal government would pay for the entire cost of reconstructing the bridge, which is still sitting in the river, on top of the cargo ship, which had 22 people on board – none of them harmed.

Baltimore is the ninth-busiest port in the nation and handled a record 11.7 million tons of cargo last year,  the Associated Press reports. More than 50 shipping and cruise ship companies do business with the port, mainly moving cars, coal, wood, steel, aluminum, home appliances, furniture, sugar and liquefied natural gas. 

"For everybody who is buying cars, for everybody who is (buying) farm equipment, we're the largest port in the country that does that," Maryland Gov. Wes Moore said . "So this is not just impacting Maryland."

Shipping companies and automakers will likely divert ships heading to Baltimore to other East Coast cities, experts say, according to the AP.

Ships waiting to get into Baltimore were stalled after the incident, with many drifting in the North Atlantic, waiting to be assigned to a new port, according to Windward Maritime, which analyzes maritime data. 

Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg said rebuilding the bridge  won't be easy or cheap. "That does not necessarily mean it will take five years to replace, but that tells you what went into that original structure going up," he said. "We need to get a sense of the conditions, of the parts that look ok, to the naked eye, but we just don't know yet, especially in terms of their foundational infrastructure."

Caitlin O'Kane is a New York City journalist who works on the CBS News social media team as a senior manager of content and production. She writes about a variety of topics and produces "The Uplift," CBS News' streaming show that focuses on good news.

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Baltimore cruises to reroute after bridge collapse pauses port traffic

Carnival, royal caribbean will move some operations to norfolk while baltimore recovers from key bridge collapse.

Cruise lines are scrambling to make alternative plans and avoid the Port of Baltimore while officials suspend vessel traffic amid cleanup and rescue efforts around the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapse.

Three major cruise lines sail from Baltimore, though no ships were in port Tuesday morning. The next cruise was scheduled to depart Sunday, but its operator confirmed late Tuesday afternoon that the voyage would instead head out from Norfolk.

Amira M. Hairston, a spokeswoman for the Baltimore port, said in an email that the status of the upcoming cruise ship schedule is not yet known.

“At this time we do not know how long vessel traffic will be suspended. As soon as that is determined we will provide an update. Until then please keep those involved in your prayers,” Hairston wrote.

Royal Caribbean International’s Vision of the Seas left Saturday for a 12-night southern Caribbean cruise with plans to return April 4. The cruise line said in a statement Tuesday that it was “closely monitoring the situation, and our port logistics team is currently working on alternatives for Vision of the Seas’ ongoing and upcoming sailings.”

On Thursday, the cruise company said the current sailing would end in Norfolk.

“Our guests on board will be provided compensation and complimentary shuttle transportation as well as Wi-Fi and phone calls to adjust their travel arrangements,” Royal Caribbean said.

Upcoming cruises on April 4 and 12 will sail from Norfolk as well, and passengers will be compensated for the change. The ship was already scheduled for maintenance in the Bahamas after the April 12 cruise.

“We are deeply saddened by the tragedy and collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge and extend our heartfelt prayers to all those impacted,” the company said.

Carnival Legend set off Sunday for a seven-day Bahamas cruise; the ship was scheduled to return March 31 and depart for its next sailing the same day. Instead of coming back to Baltimore, Carnival said late Tuesday, it will end its trip in Norfolk, and free buses will bring passengers back to Baltimore.

The ship’s next seven-day cruise will leave Norfolk and return to the port. In a news release , Carnival said it would temporarily move Baltimore operations to Norfolk “while Key Bridge rescue and cleanup efforts continue.”

“Our thoughts remain with the impacted families and first responders in Baltimore,” Christine Duffy, president of Carnival Cruise Line, said in a statement. “We appreciate the pledge made by President Biden today to dedicate all available resources to reopen Baltimore Harbor to marine traffic as soon as possible. As those plans are finalized, we will update our future cruise guests on when we will return home to Baltimore, but in the meantime, we appreciate the quick response and support from officials in Norfolk.”

Carnival Pride is supposed to start sailing from Baltimore next month, mostly to the Bahamas and eastern Caribbean.

Norwegian Cruise Line does not have cruises scheduled out of the port until later this year. American Cruise Lines, a U.S. river cruise operator, has Chesapeake Bay trips on small vessels scheduled from Baltimore starting in May. The cruise line said it will monitor developments “and make adjustments if needed.”

Cruise Lines International Association (CLIA) said it was “deeply saddened” by the bridge collapse and was closely following the situation. “Right now, the most important thing to do is to allow the emergency workers to do their work,” the group wrote in a statement.

This year, 12 ships are scheduled to make a total of 115 calls at the Port of Baltimore, the industry association said. With room for roughly 2,000 or 2,100 passengers at double occupancy, most Baltimore-based ships are much smaller than the record-breaking behemoths that sail from Florida ports.

“Any adjustments to current cruise activity at the port will be announced as soon as available by the individual cruise lines,” CLIA said in its statement.

A news release issued last month by Maryland Gov. Wes Moore’s office said that more than 444,000 individuals cruised out of the Port of Baltimore last year, the most since 2012. The Maryland Port Administration said in a news release last year that the cruise industry generates nearly 400 jobs and $63 million in revenue every year for local businesses.

The port positions itself as a convenient option for cruising year-round, thanks to its location off Interstate 95 and plentiful parking. More than 40 million people live within a six-hour drive of the city, the port administration says.

Baltimore bridge collapse

How it happened: Baltimore’s Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed after being hit by a cargo ship . The container ship lost power shortly before hitting the bridge, Maryland Gov. Wes Moore (D) said. Video shows the bridge collapse in under 40 seconds.

Victims: Divers have recovered the bodies of two construction workers , officials said. They were fathers, husbands and hard workers . A mayday call from the ship prompted first responders to shut down traffic on the four-lane bridge, saving lives.

Economic impact: The collapse of the bridge severed ocean links to the Port of Baltimore, which provides about 20,000 jobs to the area . See how the collapse will disrupt the supply of cars, coal and other goods .

Rebuilding: The bridge, built in the 1970s , will probably take years and cost hundreds of millions of dollars to rebuild , experts said.

How these cruise passengers missed boarding, got stranded in Africa

Both Americans and Australians were left at port after an excursion ran long.

After what seemed like a dream trip, several American travelers were left stranded at port in West Africa mid-cruise while traveling from Cape Town, South Africa, to Barcelona, Spain.

Jay and Jill Campbell told ABC News Myrtle Beach affiliate WPDE that they were in the first week of a three week voyage aboard Norwegian Cruise Lines when they stopped just off the coast of West Africa.

The couple and others opted to tour the nearby island of São Tomé and Príncipe on the afternoon of March 27, and when the excursion ran late, they said they brought it to the guides' attention.

"We were like, 'our time is getting short,'" Jay Campbell recalled, at which point he said the guide let them know, "'No problem we can get you back in an hour.'"

Upon their return, the passengers said cruise officials refused to let them aboard the ship, even as the local Coast Guard had ferried the group to the anchored vessel.

"The harbormaster tried to call the ship. The captain refused the call. We sent emails to NCL the customer service emergency number," Jay Campbell said. "They said the only way for us to get in touch with the ship is via email. They're not responding to our emails."

The Campbells say they were left stranded along with four other Americans and two Australians -- of whom one is a paraplegic, one has a heart condition and one is pregnant. Some did not have credit cards or medication that was left on board.

Cruise expert Stewart Chiron, known as The Cruise Guy, told ABC News that "the bottom line was, they were hours late, the ship was ready to go."

MORE: Norwegian Cruise Line passengers claim Antarctica voyage was rerouted mid-trip

"More than likely that the anchor was already up, and the ship was already possibly moving," he said.

He continued, "Any operation at that point to get these passengers back on the ship would have caused tremendous delays, and safety would have been a major concern."

In a statement to ABC News, a spokesperson for Norwegian Cruise Lines said, "On the afternoon of March 27, 2024, while the ship was in São Tomé and Príncipe, an African island nation, eight guests who were on the island on a private tour not organized through us missed the last tender back to the vessel, therefore not meeting the all aboard time of 3 p.m. local time."

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They continued, "While this is a very unfortunate situation, guests are responsible for ensuring they return to the ship at the published time, which is communicated broadly over the ship's intercom, in the daily communication and posted just before exiting the vessel."

The spokesperson added that the passports for the passengers who did not return at the all aboard time "were delivered to the local port agents to retrieve when they returned to the port, as per the regular protocol."

"Our team has been working closely with the local authorities to understand the requirements and necessary visas needed for the guests to rejoin the ship at the next available port of call," they said.

The Campbells said that their eight person group spent 15 hours traveling through six countries in an attempt to rejoin the Norwegian Dawn ship in Banjul, Gambia, on April 1. However, the ship couldn't dock due to low tide, so they are now trying to get to Senegal where the ship is meant to dock on Tuesday.

The Norwegian spokesperson said, "Unfortunately the ship was unable to safely dock in the destination due to adverse weather conditions, as well as tidal restrictions that require specific timing for safe passage. While we share in our guests' disappointment, this modification was made with great consideration for their safety and that of our crew, which is our top priority."

The cruise line contacted the guests "regarding this itinerary adjustment and provided them with authorization to rejoin the ship at Dakar, Senegal on April 2, 2024."

In light of the "series of unfortunate events outside of our control," the spokesperson said Norwegian Cruise Lines "will be reimbursing these eight guests for their travel costs from Banjur, Gambia to Dakar, Senegal" and are still in communication with the guests to provide additional information as it becomes available.

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In a separate, unrelated situation that took place coincidentally on the same day of the voyage, the spokesperson said, "An 80-year-old woman was medically disembarked after being evaluated by our onboard medical team, who thought it best that she receive further assessment and treatment as needed from a local hospital."

"In instances such as these, as the guest was released from the hospital and in a coherent state, our protocol is to contact the guest directly, as we would not have the authority to share any medical details with anyone else without their expressed consent," the spokesperson added, saying they worked with the port agent to receive updates.

"The guest has since been escorted on a flight to Lisbon, Portugal, and then put in the care of airport staff to continue her journey to the United States, where she has now made a safe return," they said.

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Eight passengers stranded on African island after Norwegian cruise ship left without them

A dream cruise vacation has turned into a nightmare for eight passengers left stranded on the African island of São Tomé and Príncipe after their ship left without them because they were late to return from a private tour.

The tourists — six from the U.S. and two from Australia — were aboard the Norwegian Dawn, a Norwegian cruise line ship , which departed from Cape Town, South Africa, on March 20 for a 21-day voyage up the coast of Africa set to end in Barcelona, Spain, on April 10.

But on Wednesday, the group of eight tourists was late to return to the ship by more than an hour for the all-aboard time of 3 p.m. from a private excursion on the island, which was not organized by the cruise line.

Jay and Jill Campbell of South Carolina were part of the group that was left behind.

They said that their tour’s operator notified the cruise captain that they were going to be late to rejoin the ship and that the local Coast Guard tried to get them on the vessel but that they weren’t allowed to board.

As a result, the couple and the rest of the group have been stranded for days on the island off Nigeria, grappling with language, currency issues and complicated travel to catch up with the ship.

“The lovely people of São Tomé were very gracious, very hospitable. They had reached out as much as they could to help us find hotels,” Jay Campbell said on NBC's "TODAY" show Tuesday morning.

“We were able to get to a tour agency there to arrange flights to the next port of call. ... Very difficult process — you’re dealing with multiple languages, language barriers, you’re dealing with different currencies ... finding someone that even has dollars ... trying to get an agent to understand where we need to get to.

"It’s one of those ‘You can’t get there from here,’" he added.

A Norwegian spokesperson called the incident a “very unfortunate situation” and said, “Guests are responsible for ensuring they return to the ship at the published time.”

The cruise line said that after the guests failed to return, their passports were delivered to local port agents, in line with protocol. The company said it was working with local authorities to understand “the requirements and visas needed for the guests to reboard the ship at the next available port of call.”

On Monday, the guests had made arrangements to rejoin the ship in Banjul, Gambia, but the ship was unable to safely dock there because of “adverse weather conditions” and “tidal restrictions,” Norwegian said. The guests were then contacted and provided with information to rejoin the ship at Dakar, Senegal, on Tuesday. 

Jill Campbell said they traveled through seven countries in 48 hours to arrive in Senegal on Monday night.

But the couple was reconsidering whether they even wanted to return to the cruise.

"We are considering whether or not we are going to board the ship. It is in dock here in Senegal," she said. "We believe there was a basic duty of care that they had forgotten about, so it does concern us."

"After what we witnessed, we truly believe that although there’s a set of rules or policies that the ship may have followed, they followed those rules too rigidly. I believe that they really forgot that they are people working in the hospitality industry and really the safety and well-being of the customers should be their first priority," she added.

Ultimately, the eight passengers did rejoin the cruise before 8:30 a.m. ET Tuesday in Dakar, Senegal, Norwegian told NBC News in an e-mail Tuesday evening, after this story originally published.

Norwegian said the passengers were responsible for making their own travel arrangements to rejoin the ship.

"Despite the series of unfortunate events outside of our control, we will be reimbursing these eight guests for their travel costs from Banjur, Gambia to Dakar, Senegal," a cruise line spokesperson said in a statement. "We remain in communication with the guests and are providing additional information as it becomes available."

A silver lining of the catastrophe was that the Campbells were able to connect with another Norwegian Dawn passenger — Julia Lenkoff, 80 — who was also left on the island, but for a medical reason.

Lenkoff was on a different day tour Wednesday. She had "medically disembarked" from the cruise to seek local treatment on that day, Norwegian said.

Norwegian said that its care team tried to call Lenkoff several times and was unable to reach her and that it worked with its port agent in São Tomé and Príncipe for updates on her health.

The Campbells met Lenkoff and were able to put her in contact with her family in California, who flew her home — a move Lenkoff's daughter said "saved her life."

"She's a world traveler. She travels all the time. So this was going to be one of her bucket list trips, because she's been to 120 countries so far, and she wanted to get to 130," her daughter, Lana Lenkoff Geis, said in an interview that aired Tuesday on "TODAY."

Norwegian said Lenkoff was escorted on a flight to Lisbon, Portugal, then put in the care of airport staff members to continue her journey back to the U.S., where she has safely returned.

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